Some thoughts...

Today, Nate asked if he could play the wii while Jason slept.  I told him he could and then sat down beside him for a minute to help him out.  He wanted to play Donkey Kong.  It hasn't been easy for him to figure out, but he's getting it.  Anyway, as I sat there, the music reminded me of the days that Jake used to play the game.  He'd come home from preschool and then kindergarten and play for a little while until Carson got home and then they'd go out to play.  I was pregnant with Sam and had pretty bad headaches almost every day.  I'd go in for a nap when Allie napped and I could hear the music from Donkey Kong in my dreams.  I smiled at the memory.  Then, I realized that Allie and Jake were Jason and Nate's ages right now when I was pregnant with Sam.  They are both a few months younger, but still really close.  I am totally blown away at the thought.  I thought Allie and Jake were so much older when we were going through all that Sam stuff.  It seemed like they understood things on a different level than these little boys are capable of.  I remember having long talks with both of them about Sam and his little heart.  Allie in particular seemed way older than Jason.  She was such a huge help to me and my emotional state at the time and it's hard to believe she was only just turning 3.  I remember having real conversations with her.  Jason and I are no where close to having a real conversation...unless it's about things that poop, and where monsters live.
It makes me think of the tender mercies of the Lord and the timing of everything in my life.  I would never have wanted to have a child die, but if it had to happen to me, I'm so glad that I had Allie and Jake to help me through it.  Then for Jason and Nate to come and bring me even more joy.  By then, I had learned so much about what really matters.  I don't think I would be as patient with the craziness that has accompanied these boys if I hadn't had Sam first.  These two littles are wild and crazy.  They just came that way.  I'm not saying that I am the most patient and loving mother out there...in fact, I have much I need to improve.  But, if Jason and Nate had come before Sam, I think I'd be out of my mind...and "mean mom" would come out a lot more than she does now.  Instead, I have the new perspective of what really matters and I try to be more patient than I used to be.  Even as I type this, I have guilt that I am not good enough, but how could I be a mom without guilt...I don't think such a woman exists.
I am rambling.  I guess I just wanted to say that I am so grateful that things played out the way they did.  Heavenly Father can see the big picture and can see things in a way that I can't see with my mortal eyes.  I am so grateful for each one of my kids and as Mother's Day comes up, it makes me want to re-evaluate myself and better myself as a mother.  I hope I can be the mom that these kids need.  I hope Heavenly Father can continue to mold me and help me to be a better person.  I am so thankful for the role that each one of my kids play in making me a better person.