Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Memorial Talk
I have been thinking of Sam today as I cleaned the house. It was two weeks ago that he returned to heaven. Life here continues, and that is how it should be. I just don't want Sam to be forgotten. There were lots of people that weren't able to attend the memorial for Sam, so I thought I'd post my talk from the memorial on here. I haven't gotten Mike's talk transcribed yet, so that can come in the future. For now, this is what I said.
First of all, I have to thank you for all the support and love. It’s so great to look out and see so many faces of people that I love. I am blessed to know you.
There is no way to repay the kindness we have felt over the last few months. We have had people watch our kids, feed us, laugh and cry with us. Countless people have told us that they are praying for us and that they have put our names in various temples. I know that we are strengthened by those prayers and all the kind acts of service. Thank you all so much.
These last few days I feel like I have been back in school with all sorts of deadlines, decisions, and stresses. It would have been so easy to just hole up in our house and wallow in grief and sorrow this week. Then I wouldn’t have to be up here talking to you. But it’s not how I wanted things to be. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings about Sam, because he was here. It might have only been a few days on the calendar, but he was here. And I will never be the same.
I have to tell a quick story, about how I began to gain a testimony and I promise I’ll tie it in later. As a young girl at girl’s camp, I sat in a canoe and looked up at the starry sky listening to young women all around the lake singing “How Great Thou Art”. The spirit touched my heart and I felt love. I knew my Heavenly Father loved me. My simple testimony began to build that day. I went through times where I tried to rebel but I always knew in my heart that I was a daughter of my Heavenly Father and he loved me.
On May 6th we went in for a routine ultrasound at the half way point in my pregnancy. We had Jake and Allie with us and we were loving our little glimpse into our baby’s world. Then the ultrasound tech paused and spent an extra long time on the baby’s heart. She wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, but she did know that it was something.
Our hearts were broken. That night I did a bad thing and looked up heart defects on the internet and read about all the awful things that can happen when a heart is developing. I knew that there were many things doctors could do to fix problems, but then I came across Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. It is considered a fatal heart defect where the left side of the heart is underdeveloped and can’t work. I hurried and shut the computer off and cried my eyes out. Mike wondered what had worried me so much and I told him that we would be fine as long as it wasn’t that particular heart defect. We were scheduled to have a detailed ultrasound later that week and I couldn’t quit worrying about it, so I asked Mike to give me a blessing. When he laid his hands on my head, an overwhelming feeling of peace and love came over me. Mike didn’t say the words that I wanted to hear. He didn’t say that this baby would be fine and that he would live. He said that the Lord is in charge and this is all part of a plan. As he spoke those words, I knew it. I knew that it was not a mistake. I wanted Mike to bless this baby to be okay, but deep down, I knew that it wasn’t the plan for us. Up to that point I was praying that when we got a better ultrasound they would find things miraculously better. I was praying that this would all have been a mistake. After that blessing I just prayed that we would be able to handle whatever was in store for us and that I would be able to have continued peace.
At our next ultrasound, the tech said the dreaded words “Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome”. Then she left us in the dark room to wait for the doctor to come and tell us our options.
With a broken heart, I turned to Mike and said “We are going to bury our baby.” We hugged and I began to pray. The overwhelming feeling of peace came back to me and I knew once again that things were in God’s hands. The same spirit that whispered to me as a 12 year old girl on the lake at girl’s camp, reminded me that my Heavenly Father loves me and that He was in charge.
Over the next four months, Mike and I thought non stop about the baby that I carried. We decided to name him Sam, and I was instantly in love with the little baby that kicked and fluttered and moved and was so alive. At our next doctor’s appointment, we learned that although this is considered a fatal defect, there was an option of a series of “palliative surgeries” that can be used as a band aid for a few years. The other option was to take our son home with the heart he was given and love him for as long as he was allowed to stay.
Mike and I prayed more than we have ever prayed before. We cried more than we have ever cried before. We visited the temple, we received priesthood blessings. We continually asked to know the Lord’s will for Sam. Through all of this, I clung to my belief that the Lord was in charge and that this was part of His plan for our family.
Our prayers were answered and we knew that Sam was not meant to live on this earth for long. We knew that he was a special spirit and that we were blessed to be his parents.
Two weeks before Sam was born we met a neat man named Alvin Price and we told him about our Sam and his special heart. He reminded us that every person on this earth has been given a spiritual gift from God. Then he challenged us to fast and pray that we would know what Sam’s gift was and then use it to teach our other children about Sam, and his purpose on this earth.
I took that challenge to heart and prayed that I would know Sam’s spiritual gift. Then I started to read some talks from General Authorities about gifts of the spirit. I think my prayers were answered when I came across a talk by Robert D. Hales. In it, he talked about the gift of charity. "Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul." I knew that Sam was blessed with the gift of charity.
Elder Hales said “Charity is the ability to make life more meaningful for others.” Sam has definitly made life more meaningful for me, and for our whole family.
Elder Hales also said there was a quote his wife liked to say at home, ’Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.’ He went on to say, “there are times when we need to be lifted. There are times when we need to be strengthened. Be that kind of friend and that kind of person who lifts and strengthens others. Never make someone have to choose between your ways and the Lord’s ways. And always make sure that you’re making it easier to live God’s commandments for those who are by your side and who are your friends. Then you will understand whether you have charity.”
I guarantee that Sam will make it easier for all of us to live God’s commandments. He has lifted me and strengthened me. He has made me want to be a better person. Through Sam, I have gained a stronger testimony of the Savior. Because of Sam I appreciate Jake and Allie more and I have more patience with them (for the most part). Our family is stronger because of Sam. We are more focused on the eternal perspective. We all want to be together forever, so we are going to do what it takes to make that happen. I know that Sam will help us get there.
Sam was in my thoughts every hour of every day for those four months. I agonized over each passing day that brought me closer to saying hello and goodbye. I made blankets for him and planned for everything that I had control over. Every day I asked Heavenly Father to give me strength to make it through this trial. I was given strength. I was able to make it to the date I wanted to deliver on, 9/9/09 without the complications I had with my other pregnancies. When we finally got to the 9th of September, I was excited to meet this sweet baby boy that I had loved for so long. He was everything I could have hoped for and more. He had beautiful blond hair. Perfect little hands and feet, and the cutest little round head. I am prideful, I admit. But he really was beautiful. He embodied the pure love of Christ. His little spirit testified of Christ. No one who met him can deny that he had a special spirit about him. We spent two peaceful days in the hospital loving Sam, holding him, and memorizing his face. We even put him in the Pittsburg Steeler’s outfit that the other kids wore as infants and let him watch a little of the football game with Mike. I think he was a fan. We were blessed to have enough time to take him home from the hospital and let him lay on a blanket on the grass in the backyard. That was one of my only desires for him. He bonded with his brother Jake. He endured the many kisses of his sister Allie, and many more from me. He listened as the kids sang their favorite songs to him. He received powerful priesthood blessings from his Dad. He lived, and he knew only love.
It was so hard to let him go back to our Father in Heaven, but I knew that he had fulfilled his purpose on this earth. He got his body. He showed us love and allowed us to love more than we thought possible. Without words he testified of Christ, and he will continue to fulfill a purpose and testify of Christ from his new position in paradise.
So, to wrap things up, at one of our appointments, Mike and I were asked if we were angry at God for allowing this to happen. We both emphatically said “no”. I believe in a loving God. The Lord said that not even a sparrow falls unnoticed by the Father. I know that Sam’s special heart was not a mistake. I know that Sam was placed in our home at this specific time for a specific reason. I can only see things with my mortal eyes, but God knows everything. He has an eternal perspective and He knows that in the end, this experience will be for my good. He knows that in order for me to become the person I need to be, I needed to go through this. How can I blame a loving Father in Heaven for helping me to be a better person?
There is no way to repay the kindness we have felt over the last few months. We have had people watch our kids, feed us, laugh and cry with us. Countless people have told us that they are praying for us and that they have put our names in various temples. I know that we are strengthened by those prayers and all the kind acts of service. Thank you all so much.
These last few days I feel like I have been back in school with all sorts of deadlines, decisions, and stresses. It would have been so easy to just hole up in our house and wallow in grief and sorrow this week. Then I wouldn’t have to be up here talking to you. But it’s not how I wanted things to be. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings about Sam, because he was here. It might have only been a few days on the calendar, but he was here. And I will never be the same.
I have to tell a quick story, about how I began to gain a testimony and I promise I’ll tie it in later. As a young girl at girl’s camp, I sat in a canoe and looked up at the starry sky listening to young women all around the lake singing “How Great Thou Art”. The spirit touched my heart and I felt love. I knew my Heavenly Father loved me. My simple testimony began to build that day. I went through times where I tried to rebel but I always knew in my heart that I was a daughter of my Heavenly Father and he loved me.
On May 6th we went in for a routine ultrasound at the half way point in my pregnancy. We had Jake and Allie with us and we were loving our little glimpse into our baby’s world. Then the ultrasound tech paused and spent an extra long time on the baby’s heart. She wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, but she did know that it was something.
Our hearts were broken. That night I did a bad thing and looked up heart defects on the internet and read about all the awful things that can happen when a heart is developing. I knew that there were many things doctors could do to fix problems, but then I came across Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. It is considered a fatal heart defect where the left side of the heart is underdeveloped and can’t work. I hurried and shut the computer off and cried my eyes out. Mike wondered what had worried me so much and I told him that we would be fine as long as it wasn’t that particular heart defect. We were scheduled to have a detailed ultrasound later that week and I couldn’t quit worrying about it, so I asked Mike to give me a blessing. When he laid his hands on my head, an overwhelming feeling of peace and love came over me. Mike didn’t say the words that I wanted to hear. He didn’t say that this baby would be fine and that he would live. He said that the Lord is in charge and this is all part of a plan. As he spoke those words, I knew it. I knew that it was not a mistake. I wanted Mike to bless this baby to be okay, but deep down, I knew that it wasn’t the plan for us. Up to that point I was praying that when we got a better ultrasound they would find things miraculously better. I was praying that this would all have been a mistake. After that blessing I just prayed that we would be able to handle whatever was in store for us and that I would be able to have continued peace.
At our next ultrasound, the tech said the dreaded words “Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome”. Then she left us in the dark room to wait for the doctor to come and tell us our options.
With a broken heart, I turned to Mike and said “We are going to bury our baby.” We hugged and I began to pray. The overwhelming feeling of peace came back to me and I knew once again that things were in God’s hands. The same spirit that whispered to me as a 12 year old girl on the lake at girl’s camp, reminded me that my Heavenly Father loves me and that He was in charge.
Over the next four months, Mike and I thought non stop about the baby that I carried. We decided to name him Sam, and I was instantly in love with the little baby that kicked and fluttered and moved and was so alive. At our next doctor’s appointment, we learned that although this is considered a fatal defect, there was an option of a series of “palliative surgeries” that can be used as a band aid for a few years. The other option was to take our son home with the heart he was given and love him for as long as he was allowed to stay.
Mike and I prayed more than we have ever prayed before. We cried more than we have ever cried before. We visited the temple, we received priesthood blessings. We continually asked to know the Lord’s will for Sam. Through all of this, I clung to my belief that the Lord was in charge and that this was part of His plan for our family.
Our prayers were answered and we knew that Sam was not meant to live on this earth for long. We knew that he was a special spirit and that we were blessed to be his parents.
Two weeks before Sam was born we met a neat man named Alvin Price and we told him about our Sam and his special heart. He reminded us that every person on this earth has been given a spiritual gift from God. Then he challenged us to fast and pray that we would know what Sam’s gift was and then use it to teach our other children about Sam, and his purpose on this earth.
I took that challenge to heart and prayed that I would know Sam’s spiritual gift. Then I started to read some talks from General Authorities about gifts of the spirit. I think my prayers were answered when I came across a talk by Robert D. Hales. In it, he talked about the gift of charity. "Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul." I knew that Sam was blessed with the gift of charity.
Elder Hales said “Charity is the ability to make life more meaningful for others.” Sam has definitly made life more meaningful for me, and for our whole family.
Elder Hales also said there was a quote his wife liked to say at home, ’Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.’ He went on to say, “there are times when we need to be lifted. There are times when we need to be strengthened. Be that kind of friend and that kind of person who lifts and strengthens others. Never make someone have to choose between your ways and the Lord’s ways. And always make sure that you’re making it easier to live God’s commandments for those who are by your side and who are your friends. Then you will understand whether you have charity.”
I guarantee that Sam will make it easier for all of us to live God’s commandments. He has lifted me and strengthened me. He has made me want to be a better person. Through Sam, I have gained a stronger testimony of the Savior. Because of Sam I appreciate Jake and Allie more and I have more patience with them (for the most part). Our family is stronger because of Sam. We are more focused on the eternal perspective. We all want to be together forever, so we are going to do what it takes to make that happen. I know that Sam will help us get there.
Sam was in my thoughts every hour of every day for those four months. I agonized over each passing day that brought me closer to saying hello and goodbye. I made blankets for him and planned for everything that I had control over. Every day I asked Heavenly Father to give me strength to make it through this trial. I was given strength. I was able to make it to the date I wanted to deliver on, 9/9/09 without the complications I had with my other pregnancies. When we finally got to the 9th of September, I was excited to meet this sweet baby boy that I had loved for so long. He was everything I could have hoped for and more. He had beautiful blond hair. Perfect little hands and feet, and the cutest little round head. I am prideful, I admit. But he really was beautiful. He embodied the pure love of Christ. His little spirit testified of Christ. No one who met him can deny that he had a special spirit about him. We spent two peaceful days in the hospital loving Sam, holding him, and memorizing his face. We even put him in the Pittsburg Steeler’s outfit that the other kids wore as infants and let him watch a little of the football game with Mike. I think he was a fan. We were blessed to have enough time to take him home from the hospital and let him lay on a blanket on the grass in the backyard. That was one of my only desires for him. He bonded with his brother Jake. He endured the many kisses of his sister Allie, and many more from me. He listened as the kids sang their favorite songs to him. He received powerful priesthood blessings from his Dad. He lived, and he knew only love.
It was so hard to let him go back to our Father in Heaven, but I knew that he had fulfilled his purpose on this earth. He got his body. He showed us love and allowed us to love more than we thought possible. Without words he testified of Christ, and he will continue to fulfill a purpose and testify of Christ from his new position in paradise.
So, to wrap things up, at one of our appointments, Mike and I were asked if we were angry at God for allowing this to happen. We both emphatically said “no”. I believe in a loving God. The Lord said that not even a sparrow falls unnoticed by the Father. I know that Sam’s special heart was not a mistake. I know that Sam was placed in our home at this specific time for a specific reason. I can only see things with my mortal eyes, but God knows everything. He has an eternal perspective and He knows that in the end, this experience will be for my good. He knows that in order for me to become the person I need to be, I needed to go through this. How can I blame a loving Father in Heaven for helping me to be a better person?
Does that mean that I don’t have more sorrow than I feel like I can bear? No. I cry, and I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for Jake and Allie when I think of how great they would have been as an older brother and sister. I feel sorry for Mike when I remember how he lovingly held Sam in his arms. I feel sorry for all of you who didn’t have a chance to meet Sam in person.
But then I remember that my Heavenly Father loves me. I remember that I have a Savior who died that we might live again. I remember that They can heal my aching heart. I have already become a better person. Sam has made me a better person. I know he has influenced the lives of many. That’s why I hope that you will write something on that paper we put in the programs. When you drop a pebble in smooth water the ripples go on and on. I want the ripples of Sam’s pebble to go on and on. I want his life to be felt. I want him to be known. So I’m going to talk about him. I am going to talk about how his gift of charity has made me want to be a better person. I am going to talk about how Sam has made me grow closer to Christ. I will never forget my sweet boy. I hope you won’t either.
I am so thankful for my Savior. I am so thankful for a loving Father in Heaven. I am thankful for Mike. I am thankful that our paths crossed and that we were able to be married in the temple. I had no idea 8 years ago how much I would come to love and rely on him. He is an amazing Dad and I know that Sam loved him just as Allie and Jake do. I know that families can be together forever. I look forward to seeing Sam again some day and I hope that I can show him that he made a difference in my life. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
But then I remember that my Heavenly Father loves me. I remember that I have a Savior who died that we might live again. I remember that They can heal my aching heart. I have already become a better person. Sam has made me a better person. I know he has influenced the lives of many. That’s why I hope that you will write something on that paper we put in the programs. When you drop a pebble in smooth water the ripples go on and on. I want the ripples of Sam’s pebble to go on and on. I want his life to be felt. I want him to be known. So I’m going to talk about him. I am going to talk about how his gift of charity has made me want to be a better person. I am going to talk about how Sam has made me grow closer to Christ. I will never forget my sweet boy. I hope you won’t either.
I am so thankful for my Savior. I am so thankful for a loving Father in Heaven. I am thankful for Mike. I am thankful that our paths crossed and that we were able to be married in the temple. I had no idea 8 years ago how much I would come to love and rely on him. He is an amazing Dad and I know that Sam loved him just as Allie and Jake do. I know that families can be together forever. I look forward to seeing Sam again some day and I hope that I can show him that he made a difference in my life. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
They're back!
If any of you didn't believe me when I said my feet were chubby when I was pregnant...here's proof.
September...
Much better...
August...
September...
Much better...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Empty arms, full heart
This week I have felt like there is something missing. My arms are empty and I feel like I should be doing something to take care of someone. I will miss my sweet Sam forever.
Today, we needed to get out. We went for a drive up Logan Canyon. We ended up at Tony’s Grove Lake. It was a beautiful day. I couldn’t help but sing “My Heavenly Father Loves Me” through my head all day. It was just such a perfect day. The kids tossed rocks in the lake, slipped around in the mud, made a mess of their clothes, and had a great time. I still have my new perspective. It’s like my eyes are opened a little wider and I can see all the things my Father in Heaven has blessed me with. The beauty of the earth is just a little more beautiful to me. My kids are just a little sweeter to me. My arms are empty, but my heart is full.
Today Allie kept finding “gold” and filling my pockets full of it. They were pebbles off the path and it weighted my skirt down considerably, but it was so cute. “Mom! More gold!”
She got the happiest look on her face when she found the perfect stick for a sword. She giggled when she tossed rocks in that made a big splash. I loved her clumsy walk as she struggled to walk over the rocks without falling in the lake. She didn’t succeed in coming home dry. I think the thing I loved the most today was her small hand in mine as we walked along the trail. Why haven’t I noticed how much I love that little hand in mine before?
Jake found a snake and had no fear in catching it and playing with it for a half hour. He doesn’t like to pose for pictures anymore, but the proud look on his face couldn’t be wiped away when the camera came out.
He told me that it was the best day ever. He asked if we could come back all the time. I loved watching him walk the path with the fishing pole, trying not to get the line stuck in the trees. He took Allie by the hand and helped her walk across the parking lot. They are so cute together.
I feel the loss and the missing piece in our earthly family puzzle, but I know that in reality we are complete, just separated for a while. Days like today make me wish that Sam could be here. We really do have some fun together as a family. Who wouldn’t want to be here with us?
Today, we needed to get out. We went for a drive up Logan Canyon. We ended up at Tony’s Grove Lake. It was a beautiful day. I couldn’t help but sing “My Heavenly Father Loves Me” through my head all day. It was just such a perfect day. The kids tossed rocks in the lake, slipped around in the mud, made a mess of their clothes, and had a great time. I still have my new perspective. It’s like my eyes are opened a little wider and I can see all the things my Father in Heaven has blessed me with. The beauty of the earth is just a little more beautiful to me. My kids are just a little sweeter to me. My arms are empty, but my heart is full.
Today Allie kept finding “gold” and filling my pockets full of it. They were pebbles off the path and it weighted my skirt down considerably, but it was so cute. “Mom! More gold!”
She got the happiest look on her face when she found the perfect stick for a sword. She giggled when she tossed rocks in that made a big splash. I loved her clumsy walk as she struggled to walk over the rocks without falling in the lake. She didn’t succeed in coming home dry. I think the thing I loved the most today was her small hand in mine as we walked along the trail. Why haven’t I noticed how much I love that little hand in mine before?
Jake found a snake and had no fear in catching it and playing with it for a half hour. He doesn’t like to pose for pictures anymore, but the proud look on his face couldn’t be wiped away when the camera came out.
He found great joy in tossing big rocks in the lake and making bigger splashes. He fished with Mike and reeled in his hook with no luck, but he didn’t care. He was having a great time.
He told me that it was the best day ever. He asked if we could come back all the time. I loved watching him walk the path with the fishing pole, trying not to get the line stuck in the trees. He took Allie by the hand and helped her walk across the parking lot. They are so cute together.I feel the loss and the missing piece in our earthly family puzzle, but I know that in reality we are complete, just separated for a while. Days like today make me wish that Sam could be here. We really do have some fun together as a family. Who wouldn’t want to be here with us?
The day didn't stay all peaches and cream forever. When we got home, Jake took off on his bike without telling us where he was going and the bike ended up being grounded for a few days. Jake couldn’t get over it. He sat on the front porch and cried for an hour and a half. “You made this the worst day ever!” “All the love is out of my heart.” All kinds of things meant for mean parents who discipline for bad behavior. Allie didn’t want to go to bed tonight, so she cried and cried. I have had to take deep breaths and say "serenity now" a few times, but overall, it was a great day. I hope I can continue to see things through this clearer lens, even if it means I will feel the emptiness more clearly too. I know Heavenly Father loves me...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Pictures
There is an amazing service available for babies like Sam called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Professional photographers volunteer their services and come to take pictures.
I got my disc today and I am so in love with these pictures. Sam was only a few hours old, so he still had imperfect skin and lots of wrinkles. In fact he changed a lot that first day. But I love these pictures because they trump any of the ones I was able to take. I have bawled a lot about the lack of pictures. I realized that it was because we rarely put him down, so all the pictures I have are of people holding him.
Anyway, here are some of the pictures so you can see what a beautiful little boy we had.
I got my disc today and I am so in love with these pictures. Sam was only a few hours old, so he still had imperfect skin and lots of wrinkles. In fact he changed a lot that first day. But I love these pictures because they trump any of the ones I was able to take. I have bawled a lot about the lack of pictures. I realized that it was because we rarely put him down, so all the pictures I have are of people holding him.
Anyway, here are some of the pictures so you can see what a beautiful little boy we had.
Memorial service for Sam
Thank you all for your kind words of love and support. I have felt your love and prayers over the last few months and I know that is what has sustained us.
We have decided to do a little memorial service for Sam on Wednesday at 11:00. We will meet at the church by our home in Smithfield. The address is 79 E. 200 S.
I understand that the middle of the week in the middle of the day is a hard time for people to come, but you are all invited to come and celebrate the short life of our sweet baby Sam.
He touched the lives of many, even if you didn't get the chance to meet him in person. I am gathering up all I can to remember Sam. If you have a story to share please write it down and send it to me (ohhisue@yahoo.com) or bring it to the memorial.
Thanks again for being so kind.
Love, Sue
We have decided to do a little memorial service for Sam on Wednesday at 11:00. We will meet at the church by our home in Smithfield. The address is 79 E. 200 S.
I understand that the middle of the week in the middle of the day is a hard time for people to come, but you are all invited to come and celebrate the short life of our sweet baby Sam.
He touched the lives of many, even if you didn't get the chance to meet him in person. I am gathering up all I can to remember Sam. If you have a story to share please write it down and send it to me (ohhisue@yahoo.com) or bring it to the memorial.
Thanks again for being so kind.
Love, Sue
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Sam Michael Schwab passed away today, Saturday, at 4:06 p.m. in the arms of Sue and Mike. In the last four days, he felt the sun on his face, the kisses of his brother and sister, and the love of his mom and dad. He received his body and was blessed with special spiritual gifts. Sue will write about them later. You can email her at ohhisue@yahoo.com. We don't have any plans for a memorial or anything yet. We'll write more later. Love, Pat (Sue's Mom)
Friday, September 11, 2009
We are home!
I have been holding Sam as much as I can, but right now it's Mike's turn. So I thought I'd hurry and give you an update. We decided that hospital living is fine, but we were chomping at the bit to come home. As soon as they gave us the green light we were out of there.
It was a little odd not to have to do all the "normal" infant things. We didn't have to watch the shaken baby movie or hear about all the things they teach you when you are normally leaving the hospital with a new born baby. I don't think they would have cared if we took off without a car seat. I didn't want to put him in one, but I figured it's worth putting him down for a short ride. Wouldn't it have been ironic if we had a wreck on the way home from the hospital?
Anyway, we snuck inside and had a fun little reunion with Jake and Allie. They were so excited to see Sam. Allie is a little rough sometimes, but she means well. Jake has been surprisingly sweet and tender. In the time that Sam was awake and alert, they just laid on the bed and stared at each other. Jake whispered that he loves him and held his binky in his mouth.
We have been blessed.
We were able to go outside for a few minutes. I had Sam on the blanket on the grass. Just what I wanted.
Unfortunately the time was short before his little body got too cold. Next time I won't use the shade.
Anyway, here we are. I'll try and keep you posted. I know I hung on every word when my friend Diana brought their baby home. It's just hard to want to leave sweet Sam to do anything else but stare at his face.
Thanks for all the kind words and well wishes. We know we are home because of all the prayers that came in our behalf. Why else?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
All is well
I have a minute right now while things are quiet. I should be sleeping, but that's just not going to happen.
Sam is right here being as cute as possible.
Things went well yesterday. He was born at around 1. He was surprisingly small (I had imagined at least 8 pounds) but he was 7 pounds 3 ounces and was 19 and a half inches long. He came out crying. I should say screaming. They got him all cleaned up and gave him to me right away. He hasn't been out of my sight since.
He has blond hair and a total old man hairline. He looks like Jake did when he was a baby, which means he looks just like Mike.
He started to struggle with his breathing and gave us all a scare. We decided to hurry and bless him. We got him dressed up in his super cute blessing outfit and had a really neat experience there in the room.
He is a special spirit.
The photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep re-arranged her schedule to come in and take pictures of our family. She did such a great job and I am really excited to see how they turn out. Sam was a total model and didn't even fuss when we got him naked for a few.
I spent all night snuggling him and had some really neat moments with him being totally alert. Now his breathing sounds better and he just seems really content.
We are just living it up over here. The hospital is nice and the nurses are really good to give us all the time we need (except for in the middle of the night). It's just been really nice.
I love my sweet baby Sam!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
09/09/09
Well, we made it! The day is here and we are about to go to the hospital to meet Sam. I can't believe how blessed we are that I was able to make it this long without the issues I had with the other kids. The biggest blessing however, came last night. Both kids stayed in their own beds all night! For the first night in months, I didn't get up hour after hour to put one kid back in bed only to have the next come creeping in five minutes later. Try and tell me that isn't a tender mercy of the Lord, I'll argue.
Anyway, off we go. I'll try and keep you updated.
Anyway, off we go. I'll try and keep you updated.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Fine
I keep starting a new post only to close things up and turn the computer off. I guess I just don't know what to say. The last 9 months have been the longest months of my life. The last 4 months feel like an eternity. Next week I get to meet this little baby that has grown and thrived in my belly. His little heart will have to beat on its own and the time for his life here on earth will be measured with each heart beat.
People ask what they can do for us. They ask how I am doing "no really...how are you?" I say that I am fine because for right now I am fine. They look at me skeptically and talk about how they could never imagine being in my shoes. They say I am handling things well, that they just can't believe that I am really okay. But I have had 4 months to come to "fine". In that time, I have prayed more than I have ever prayed. I have cried more than I have ever cried. But I have also been engulfed in peace. I have come to know the will of our Father.
I know that this is the calm before the storm, but I am "fine" with that. Four months ago, I couldn't imagine this day. I couldn't imagine feeling "fine" with what is about to come to pass.
A couple weeks ago I got a call from a girl whose baby was just diagnosed with HLHS. My heart was aching for her. I guess I was naive. I know there are kids out there with HLHS. I know that there will be many more, but I guess I just thought that with our bad news, that should be the end of it. That should be enough. No more people should have to go through it too. Is that a weird thought process or what.
Anyway, as I talked to her and listened to her concerns and questions, it took me back to our diagnosis. The feelings were so raw. I could remember having those same concerns and questions. I remember wondering if I would ever know what the Lord wanted us to do for our baby. As I hung up the phone, I prayed that this girl and her husband would be able to come to the peace that we have found. I prayed that in 4 months she could be where I am now. If this has to happen to someone else, I want them to be able to grow from the experience too.
The days keep flying by and before I know it Wednesday will be here and I will be holding Sam in my arms. I am so excited, but I am also terrified. What if I am not strong enough to keep it together. I talk to my friend Diana, who is a little over a month ahead of me in this situation, and she gives me hope. Her sweet Merideth is gone from this earth, but Diana finds the strength to keep it together. Maybe I can too. Maybe 4 months from now I will have a new perspective again and be able to help more families who have to go through this too.
So, this is a rambling post, but I wanted to let you know that I am "fine". I am excited to meet Sam and then I'll face each day as it comes. Definitely keep us in your prayers this week because I know that is the only reason that we are doing fine.
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