Happy Birthday!

My sister Lori is a leap year baby.  She might be older than me, but really she is only turning 9 today.  Her kids are passing her up!
I have always felt a little bad for her.  My brother's birthday is on the 28th so she can't really celebrate it on the last day of February when it's not a leap year.  But who wants to celebrate a February birthday in March?  Even if it is just the next day.
So when it is a leap year, she gets pretty excited about having a real birthday.

Here she is when she was turning 3...

...and when she was 9 "regular" years old, with me.



Happy Birthday Lori!  Hope it's a great one.  Live it up!

Warren

Today is my brother Warren's birthday.  When I posted those pictures of me dressing my little brother up as a girl, he posted it to facebook.  So I wanted to get back at him a little.  I asked my mom for an embarrassing picture.  I'm sure there are lots, but she didn't send me any.  I think she was afraid of what he would do to retaliate :)
She did send me a few fun pictures though and this one made me smile.  I think it was in 1991.  This is my whole family (mom's taking the picture).  We always teased my mom that she would stage "action" shots or take pictures of us walking away (we called them bum shots because "butt" was a bad word in our house).  So this is one of her bum shots.  The thing that I find funny is that Warren's shorts are shorter than mine.  So happy birthday Warren!


Lori, Jenny, Steve, Dad, me, Warren.



When Dad dresses Nate...

p.s.  These pictures were taken right before lunch.  He had just woken up from a nap and I wanted to get a picture of the outfit before he messed it up with lunch.  I made the mistake of saying "do you want to eat?"  He was out the door and into the kitchen...angry with me that I wasn't getting him the food. 

Conversation in the car

The scene...

Allie and I were headed to the library.  She was busy coloring in the back seat and didn't want to go in with me to pick up our books.  She told me she would just stay in and color while I went in.  I was only picking up books that were on hold, so I knew it would be fast.

The conversation...

Me:  Are you sure you don't want to just run in and come back out to color?
Allie:  Yeah, I'm sure.  You can just be fast can't you?
Me:  I guess.  But what if someone wanted to take you?
Allie:  You can just lock the door.
Me:  Okay...I'll run.  Don't get out of the car. 
I ran in and got the books and was back out before her Taylor Swift song was over (I set her up with my ipod first).
Me:  That was fast wasn't it?
Allie:  Yeah.  And no one stole me.
Me:  I'm glad! 
Allie: (sounding dejected) I guess no one wanted me...

We have a teenager living downstairs

Allie moved downstairs.  She loves music, so I set her up with my old CD player.  It is so funny when she has a friend over.  The music is blaring and they are dancing, putting on makeup, and acting like silly girls.  The other day she said,  "Mom, I don't really like Q 92 because sometimes they have boy songs on there.  I only like girl singers."  So she doesn't want to listen to the radio anymore.  She is boycotting all the stations because they play boy singers.

Anyway, here she is in her new room.  She isn't thrilled with the orange wall, or the playroom rug, but she is happy with everything else. 

Mike isn't a huge fan of her being down there.  Her music is always up too loud and she bothers him with her late night "Dad. I can't sleep" tirades when he is watching tv.  I have to say that I love it.  She woke up Nate far too many times for my liking when she was upstairs.
There you have it.  All the kids are in their own rooms now.  I guess if you come to visit, you'll have to sleep on the couch!  Just kidding.  We'll kick Allie out of her bed.  It's far too comfortable for her anyway. 

Books

Nate was gone. The house was quiet. That's enough to strike fear into my heart.  Not fear for his safety, just for the safety of the house, or the things in it really.  I was doing dishes, so I knew he wasn't in the room with me pulling out the glassware, or over in the living room sucking on the Wii remotes. I looked in all the usual haunts...was he in the bathroom closet trying to open all the lotions, Jake's room looking for small things to consume and probably choke on, or my room under the computer desk trying to push buttons or break the computer in the ways only a toddler knows?  He wasn't in any of those places. He can go down the stairs with ease now, so I checked all his downstairs hang outs. He wasn't pushing buttons on the xbox or turning the volume nob on the sound system. He wasn't taking the wheat out of the wheat grinder and tossing it in the air in the food storage room. He wasn't putting things in the downstairs toilet or playing with toys in the toy room. I should mention that this quick search was only a matter of seconds, but I was starting to get baffled as to where he could be. I called his name and that didn't produce anything. I checked his room last and there he was. Looking at a book. Is there anything cuter than that?

He really likes books.  He has a few in his crib that he reads before and after naps.  Sometimes he will bring me a book and then back up into my lap so he can sit and look at it from a comfy spot.  I love that my kids like reading.  It's so much more fun than pulling all the ribbon off the spindles in my craft room...isn't it?

Growing up

Allie:  Mom, I am really sad that people grow up.
Me:  What do you mean?
Allie:  Nate is just growing up so fast!  He is walking now and pretty soon, he will be too big for me to hold.
Me:  It is sad to think that he is growing up so fast, but isn't it fun to see him learn and grow too?
Allie:  I guess so, but Mom, I don't want to be a mom anymore.
Me:  What are you talking about?  Why not?
Allie:  Because I will be so sad that my babies will grow up and pretty soon they will all move and I will be alone.
Me: So you think you'd rather not have babies at all?
Allie: Yes.
Me:  Well, I think that is more sad.  I can't imagine deciding not to have you and the others because I was worried that you'd grow up too fast.  Besides, you'll always be my little girl...no matter how big you get.
Allie:  Oh.  I guess I can be a mom then.

Allie moved on to other things and I was left stunned.  I couldn't believe we just had that conversation.  She has been watching lots of home movies and has said that she wishes she could go inside the movie and give her little baby self a big hug.  She'd say,  "I wish I could just hop in there and hold me.  I was so cute!" 
I guess it has hit her that she grew up.  Her memory of Nate being a baby is still fresh, so she realized that he changes fast too. I have always teased the kids that they need to quit growing up.  Maybe I need to stop talking like that.
It is hard to watch old home movies.  That always puts me in a funk and reminds me that the days might be long, but the years sure are short.
It really is fun to see these kids grow up though and change each day.  They sure are cute little guys.  I'm glad I write down things like this, because I know I would forget it. 
Allie does have it all wrong though.  They might grow up fast, but having them in my life is worth more than any sadness I might feel as the years go by.
What would I do without these kids?

11 Months!

Nate is 11 months old.  He is happier than ever and oh so cute.  He is learning all sorts of new tricks and getting really close to talking.  He understands some commands and walks to his highchair at the mere mention of food.  He signs a few words (hot, more, and food).  He loves to eat, and he can rarely wait for something to cool off before digging in.  So that's how he knows the sign for hot and he blows on his food.
He is really good at imitating sound.  He will make blowing noises if you blow your nose by him.  He does the sharp intake of breath that I do often when I see him hovering inches away from danger.  He laughs when we laugh, but it's a fake one.  He still makes the car noise and tries out the annoying sounds that Jake and Allie do.
We have finally called a truce on the nap battles.  I won.  I love it.  We have a little routine for naps.  He pulls the cord on the blinds to close them.  I turn on the fan.  He pushes "play" on the cd player and waits with a smile until the music starts.  Then we walk over to the light and I watch as his cute little finger tries to push the switch down.  Then, in his crib, he lays on his belly wiggling around till he's comfy (while making cute little contented noises).  He wedges himself up into the corner, wraps one little arm around his teddy bear and one arm around the soft blanket and he is settled.  Even if he doesn't fall asleep right away, he is happy to look at books in the bed. 
I have my sanity back.  There are very few things that can make a momma more crazy than a kid who won't nap.
Life is easier now that he is sleeping well too.  When he is awake, he is happy.  He plays well with his toys and doesn't follow me around crying. 
As for other accomplishments, he has mastered the stairs. He has also returned to crawling on his hands and knees to push a truck around the room.  There were a few weeks where I was sad that he wouldn't do that anymore.  Once he started walking, he wouldn't crawl anymore.  Not even for fun car play.
Well, enough talking...here are the pictures.

Jake:

Allie:

Nate:

He is such a messy eater, but he really likes to do it all by himself.  So I let him make a mess and then try to clean him up later.  I really think a disposal in our bathtub would be a great idea.  Then I wouldn't even have to clean off the big chunks before putting him in there.

He is so happy!  We all love him.  He cheers us all up when we are sad.  I put him on the kid's beds to wake them up if they are sleeping in.  How can you be mad and grumpy when this kid wakes you up?

When one of them is crying, there is nothing like a little Nate on their lap to dry the tears and make them laugh again. 

We are so lucky to have him.

Happy 11 months Nate! 

Sleeping arrangements

When Mike was out of town, I invited Jake and Allie in for a sleep over.  I regretted it shortly after they came in.  Allie kicks me in the back and Jake gets so close you can't wiggle away.  Nate joined the party in time to wake us all up for the day. 

That little spot in the middle was where I spent the night. 

They sure are cute...even after a night of sleeplessness.

Cub River

We haven't had much snow yet this year, but there is some snow in the mountains. Mike has been wanting to go on a family snowmobile ride, so last Saturday, we loaded up and went.


We left Nate with my sister in law, Tara, and took off with Allie and Jake. It was so fun! The last time I was on a snowmobile I was very pregnant with Nate and could feel every bump. This time was so much more enjoyable. It was so great to get out of the house and up in the cold mountain air. The sky was so blue and the views were beautiful. It made me jealous that Mike gets to do it every week.

The kids did great. Allie got a little cold and sad when we stopped for lunch, but she was a trooper once we got going again.

Thanks Mike for taking us out and showing us a fun day!

Valentine's Day

We had some fun getting ready for this year's day of love.  It's much more fun to celebrate when you have kids that love to be loved.

This year, in an effort to entertain Allie on a boring day while Nate was sleeping, we got started on a heart garland that I saw on a blog. 
Allie would not be contained to only using colors for Valentine's Day.  "It's okay if I use blue, right mom?  Because if you mix red and green you get blue...right?  So it's okay if I use blue."
I tried to control the situation at first, but I'm glad I let her do her thing.  It ended up so pretty in the end.  So I am glad I let her have her own creative license.

We made heart shaped pancakes for breakfast and had pizza and breadsticks by candle light for dinner. The kids thought that was pretty fun.

Valentine's day is so much fun with kids.  I love these kids so much and even though I tell them every day, it's still fun to celebrate it all in one special day.



Who let the dogs out?

Jake has been reading some books and earned the "Rock the Halls" prize at school.  He has been talking about it all year and was so excited for this day to finally come.  It's a pretty fun program.  The kids read books and take quizzes on them, and as their points add up, they earn different prizes.  Rocking the halls is for sure the one that is most talked about.  They play that song "Who let the dogs out" and the kids get to run down the hallway at school with the Principal and listen as all the students scream and clap for them.  Jake was so funny about it.  He had heard that the 5th grade hall is "deafening" so he put his hands over his ears as he ran past them.

They get a little medal and that has been a treasured possession at our house.  He hasn't taken it off for more than a quick shower since he got it on Friday. 

Good job Jake!  Keep it up.

The Piano

I was practicing the piano the other day and Allie was trying to sing along with me. I hadn't played that song before and was bumbling through the notes trying to get it right. Allie kept trying to sing along, but finally she said

"Mom, do you need glasses or something to play that song?"

Me: "No. I can see the notes."

Allie: "Are you sure?"

More

Since the last post was a little bit about Sam, today is a little more.
There were two other babies born in the neighborhood around the same time as Sam.  One is Mary.  She is so cute, and so spunky.  We babysat her for an afternoon and had such a good time.  Every time I looked over and saw her playing so well with both Allie and Nate, I had a little twinge of sadness and missed what I could have had.  I could have had a full house.  When Jake is at school and Nate is napping, Allie gets so bored.  Mary filled the absence of the day and we all enjoyed having her here.

Allie read them books and felt like such a big girl.  She kept saying "Man!  It's hard to be a big sister to two babies!"

It was fun to see them all lined up at the table interacting with each other at lunch.  I will always feel the absence of Sam.
I remember Mike's aunt Helen telling me that it was a comfort for her mom to watch the other kids her daughter Marylin's age grow up.  Marylin had a heart defect and lived until she was two.
Anyway, I remember her telling me that and wondering if I would ever feel the same.  At the time, I just thought it was too sad.  A huge reminder of what I was missing.  But, now I tend to swing the other way.  It does bring me joy to see Mary grow up.  I smile when I sit in Church in front of her and hear her say cute things way too loud...then when she is told to be quiet, she insists even louder that she is being quiet.  I smile as I hear her scream her way out of the meeting, or when I see her throwing big fits.  She is a strong willed child and I get a kick out of her. 
I'm sure I would have thought she was a cute kid at any age, but the fact that she is Sam's age draws me to her even more.
Anyway, it was fun having her in our house.  Her presence did remind me of all that I could have, but it was good at the same time.  I am reminded that Sam's place is in heaven.  He is doing great things.

Some Sam thoughts

I still think of Sam all the time.  Just so you know. 
My heart has healed a lot in the last year.  I know that Nate has almost everything to do with that.  He isn't a replacement for Sam.  He is a baby to hold, but I needed Nate for reasons entirely different than to fill the arms that were so empty.  I needed Nate to remind me that God is good.  I have always know that God is good, but I was starting to give in to the anxiety that something bad was waiting to happen to my little family any minute. 
Looking back, I know that it is all part of grief.  When my dad died suddenly when I was 26, I started to have anxiety about the safety of everyone I loved.  If Mike was snowmobiling, I was watching the clock and if it grew dark, I was planning how I would tell my mom that Mike was dead.  I could get so worked up that I was actually surprised to see him walk through the door healthy and happy.  I think the shock of my dad's death reminded me that we are not in charge.  No matter how many prayers I say for our health and safety, we still have physical bodies and at some point in time, we will all die.
When I was pregnant with Sam, I started to read all the other "heart baby" blogs.  I watched as some triumphed over their battles and came home to enjoy time with family.  I watched as some babies grew weaker and finally had to return to heaven after fighting so hard to live.  I became surrounded by this world that I didn't even know existed before my 20 week scan with Sam.  I didn't know that so many children were born with heart defects.  Once again, I realized that I was not in control over some of the things that happen here on this earth.
I read about babies with all sorts of birth defects and it got to where I would have anxiety over anyone who was going in for a 20 week ultrasound.  I was just sure that there would be something wrong.  It would make me mad when people said they were going in to find out if they were having a boy or a girl.  I thought they were so naive to go in without worry. 
Instead of relying on faith, I started to let the fear control my mind.  I worried that Jake and Allie would get some strange disease, or get hit by a car, or have some other awful thing happen. 
When I did get pregnant with the baby that would be Nate, I was so overcome with fear that I couldn't tell people I was pregnant.  I couldn't even talk about it with Mike.  I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn't help it.
Having Nate here and healthy was good, but I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Nate was 6 months old when things changed.
I had a friend whose 5 year old boy developed cardiomyopathy and was waiting on the heart transplant list.  He was healthy one day and being supported by machines the next.  The anxiety grew and I found new things to worry about.  Then one day, amidst all of this, I looked over at Nate playing with his toys.  He looked back at me with a sweet smile on his face and it hit me that I was still letting fear govern my thoughts.  God is good.  There is no reason for me to live with that fear.  Yes, I do realize that bad things happen to good people.  Bad things happen all of the time and we don't always have control over it.  That doesn't mean that I can't appreciate all the good things that happen too.  I was grateful for the good, but I wasn't as free as I could be.  I was letting fear dominate my faith.  So I let it go.  I don't know how to describe it, but I do know that I let it go and I am free.  All those worries that I had floating around in my head almost seem irrational now.
It's always amazing to me how much we learn in this life that we live.  We have experiences that shape and change us every day.  I have said over and over that I wouldn't trade those few days with Sam for anything.  Just having him here for the time we had has changed me forever.  Those changes are still at work in me, and I hope that I will always be receptive to learning, growing, and changing.
I have had these thoughts floating around in my head for a while and I decided that it was time to write about it...so there you have it.

A Memory

The other day I had a memory flash into my mind that happened years and years ago.  I was holding Nate and he had a snotty nose.  He rubbed his face into my shoulder and came away with stringy snot attached to both my shirt and his face (how's that for a pleasant visual?).  I am normally very grossed out by snot.  I used to gag and dry heave when my brother would spit in the sink.  I hate gooey snot.  So that speaks volumes about how much I love my kids.  I wipe their noses with my own shirt sometimes if I don't have a tissue.  That's why I try to avoid wearing black or navy blue when Nate has a cold.
Anyway, as I watched Nate's snot spring back to his face when he pulled away from me, I realized that I really must love that kid.  I didn't drop him and run for cover.  I didn't even gag.  I just wiped his nose with my shirt and moved on.  I would do it for any of my kids.  That's love isn't it?
So, on to the memory.  I must have been young.  I was riding in the snow plow truck with Dad.  He used to plow the parking lots of restaurants so we could eat for free.  Most of the time, he was out plowing while we were all asleep, but this was a day that I was awake and I was lucky enough to ride with him.  I remember being jostled around quite a bit because we never wore seat belts back then.  I remember him pushing the fresh snow into the snow hills with enough force to make the snow stick and fling me into the dash.
I remember watching the big flakes hit the windshield and asking him what would happen if our wipers didn't work.  I was terrified when he turned them off...so afraid that he couldn't see what he was doing and we would crash. 
Now, I'm sure you are wondering what in the world this memory has to do with Nate and his booger incident.  Well, sometime in the middle of this snowplow date, I found the need to pick my nose.  I don't remember the pick, but I do remember the big juicy booger I had on my finger.  I didn't know what to do with it.  I didn't want to wipe it on the seat and I certainly didn't want to eat it.  There weren't any napkins in sight, so dad told me to wipe it on his jeans.  I was shocked.  "Really?  On your pants?"  He told me it would wash out.  So I wiped it on his pants. 
That's love.
It's sad that my mind can't easily recall my dad's face.  The images I have in my head are ones from pictures.  The smiles I see are ones that are posed for the camera.  I hate that I am losing that part of my life.  So as gross as this memory is, it's one that I will treasure.  It leads to other memories.  Memories of his jeans.  I would hold onto the pocket of his pants when we went places so my smaller siblings could hold his hands and we would all be right with him and not get lost.  I can almost see my small hand in his back pocket.
I can see his jeans poking out from under the kitchen sink or a car, or at the construction site.  Dusty and dirty.  I almost hear the keys and coins jingle in his pocket as they made his pants sag.  He went through a suspender phase where he wore suspenders to keep his pants up.  I'm sure if he would have unloaded a few of those keys, or his fat wallet, he could have kept them up.  I'm not kidding when I say that he probably had 30 or 40 keys to various things in his pockets at all times.  His back pocket had a faded white patch where his wallet had worn it out.  At night, he'd empty his pockets and put the change on the table, take off his watch and wrap it around his wallet and put it all in a pile with his keys.  I'd rumage through his change and take all his pennies.
Thinking of his keys puts the picture of his strong hands into my mind.  I can see him holding the set in his palm as he searches for the key he needs.  I love those hands.  I sit here with tears rolling down my face because I can so vividly see those hands in my mind. 
I don't know if I have talked about this on the blog or not, but my senior year of college I took a photo class.  We had an assignment where we had to use light.  I was in Orem for the weekend and I took a few pictures of Lacy, our family dog laying in the sun.  I took pictures of my mom reading the paper in a bright room but nothing was feeling right for the project.  Just as it was time to go back to Logan,  I decided to photograph my dad's hands.  He was the Bishop of their ward so he was down at the church having meetings.  I took my light and my camera and went in to find him.  He was so happy to see me there.  He was always so proud of his kids and showed us off to everyone he was with.  He would brag our latest accomplishments and dare the person he was with to show him a prettier girl or a more handsome guy.  We'd stand there blushing and wish he would quit as we secretly enjoyed the praise.  I guess I can't talk for my brothers and sisters, but I know he did it to all of us.  Anyway, on this day of the pictures, I stood there as he introduced me to the people of the meeting and listened to him sing my praises and then we went into a private room to take pictures. 
It didn't take long and I was out the door and back to school.  I remember developing the film in the dark room and watching my dad's hands magically appear on the paper.  I knew I had captured them perfectly.  Then he died.  Those pictures became treasures.
So, I'm sure the snotty story was a gross introduction to this blog post, but I had to share it.  I had to share the way that snot on my shirt and my love for my baby led to me remembering my dad and his love for me.  I am a lucky girl to have such amazing parents.  I know that they both loved me with all their hearts.  Sometimes I worry about what our kids will do with their lives and wonder if I am not doing enough to help them on their way.  But I do know that I love them.  I love them more than they can even understand right now.  I love them as much as my parents love me and that's a lot of love.

Safe at last

I finally caved.  We bought a baby gate.  I found one that works (as long as you don't jiggle it too much), and it is up.
Since he has been walking, Nate finds it to be a fun game to stand at the top of the stairs and giggle when I shriek and grab him.  It was becoming a time consuming project just to rescue him several times in a half hour.   
Nate walked down the stairs last week and it didn't end well.  I went into the other room and thought he had followed me.  He didn't.  I heard the thumping and the cry and it broke my heart.  It wasn't the first time he has fallen down the stairs, but it was the first time he made it to the bottom.
So although we are probably only weeks away from complete stair safety with him, I couldn't take it anymore.  I was always on edge when I was in the kitchen because he would make it to those stairs so fast.  I hope we have another kid to make this purchase feel more worthwhile :)

Ironically, the day after I put the gate up, I took a tumble down the stairs.  It doesn't fit the way it is supposed to because the newel post for the stairs is round, so we had to raise it up to the flat part of the post so it would grip it.  Anyway, that means you have to step over the bottom bar.  I had nylons on and didn't realize how slippery they would be on the carpet stairs.  I had one leg over when I slipped down and did the splits.  As I fell, I grabbed the gate and it came off easily, but it broke my fall a little.  I was lucky I didn't break my neck!
It did teach me that the gate isn't attached as tight as it should be, so I think I fixed that problem.  Anyway, it's been nice the few days that we have had it up.  I like being able to leave the room and not have to take Nate with me.  He can keep doing his thing and I can do mine.