18 months!

This little stinker is 18 months old.



He had his well baby check up and everything looks great!  He had to get a few shots, and that's always sad.

But he was up and happy as soon as he got his sucker and a hug from mom.

Nate is a tall and skinny boy.  He is for sure my biggest.  He is 23 pounds 9 oz. (25%) and 33 1/4 inches tall (80%).   

Allie was 21 pounds 6 oz (10%) and 31.5 inches tall (50%). 

For some reason, I didn't have Jake's stats at 18 months, but at 2 he was 24 pounds 7 oz. (10%), and 34 inches tall (45%).  I assume he was a few inches and a few pounds smaller at 18 months.

So, Nate is taking the lead. 

He sure is a cute boy.  He's wild and crazy.  I pray for his safety every day and am so thankful at the end of the day that he is still in one piece. 

He seems to be right on track physically.  He can climb anything (like kitchen chairs, bunk bed ladders, bookshelves, and pianos).  He can run super fast (with an extra burst of speed when he pumps his right arm out in front of him).  He loves playground equipment and slides. 

He is saying quite a few words and learning more each day.  The kids like to hear him call out for them (he calls every kid we know "Jake"), and "mom" is still music to my ears.

He understands simple commands when we are in the house, but all that goes away when we are outside and "come back!  Too far!" is trumped by something interesting out in the road.

He still eats any and all things gross.  He loves the berries that have fallen from the trees out front.  He loves chalk and rocks and anything else he can find on the ground. 
We wait for Allie at the bus stop every day and he hunts around on the nearby bushes for berries.  They look poisonous, but he has eaten so many that I guess they aren't.  Anyway, I bring out food for him and he rejects the food in favor of those blasted berries.

I don't know what to do about that.  Mike thinks there's something wrong with him.  I remind him that Allie was similar.  She just preferred flowers and sand.  Just now, he came up to me with a crayon half consumed in his mouth.  He's just a crazy kid!
Anyway, the crazy kid is mine and I love him.  I have really enjoyed this cooler weather with him.  We go on daily 4 wheeler rides and on the way home, he always turns around and hugs me.  He pats me on the back and puts his cheek right next to mine.  He blows zerberts on my neck and just snuggles right in.  It is a rare treat for me.  He doesn't always sit still long enough to do that. 
I am going to miss our evenings outside in the back yard on the grass.  The colder weather will put a damper on things, but we'll figure it all out.
I could go on and on about this boy of mine, but he has already pushed the power button on the computer once this morning and is threatening to do it again.  I guess we'll go read books...

Brigham City

I remember that they announced there would be a temple in  Brigham City in the conference after Sam died.  It was after I had made my goal to visit a new (to me) temple each year in September.  (I know it isn't always going to be an obtainable goal, but there are several new temples around here that I haven't been to, so it just might work for a few years at least.)  Anyway, I thought that it would be a nice temple to go to and hoped it would be finished around a time when we could go in September.  It worked out to be that way. 
We got tickets to go to the temple open house as a family. 

 My mom met up with us and we rode the bus over to the temple.  It really is a beautiful temple.

 We didn't stay long to walk around the grounds.  Nate was tired and hungry.  We'll have to go back again sometime soon so we can really get a good look at things on the outside.  The kids thought it was pretty neat to see the inside.  Allie loved all the peach blossoms and the chandeliers.  Jake thought the paintings and the staircase was cool. 
I was surprised at how good Nate was.  He did want to wander off on his own, but he didn't scream once. 
I think his favorite part was the baptismal font.  He kept saying "cow" and mooing.



It was pretty cute.  The night that we got back from seeing the temple, Allie and I were chatting before she fell asleep.  She said "I was glad to see that the oxen were not real oxen.  When daddy told us there were oxen in the temple holding up the pool, I thought he meant that there were real ox."  Then she told me she was glad they weren't real becuase they would sure make the temple stink.

I can totally see why she thought it was odd.  I'm glad they weren't real too.

One tooth down for Allie

Allie started complaining of a loose tooth the first day of kindergarten.  I thought she was just jealous that Jake had lost a tooth and was thinking it was her turn, but sure enough, it was loose.  I cried a tear or two for the loss of the little kid smile.  Then we took some final pictures of the full of teeth smile.



She wiggled it and wiggled it and asked me to pull it.  I got out the pliers and tried, but it wasn't loose enough.
Then she had to eat dinner.  It was a huge crying mess.  We happened to have corn on the cob and she was so sad that one of her favorite meals was hard to eat without tooth pain.  She cried her way through almost every meal for a week.  I tried to get her to let me pull it, but she was afraid.  I threatened to get it in her sleep until she was such a wreck that I worried she wouldn't fall asleep...ever again. 
Weeks went by. 

She tried to pull it herself...

No luck.  But she still wouldn't let me pull it.
The crying during meal time ceased, so I thought the tooth had just gotten less loose, but today it finally came out.  She let Mike pull it.

She was pretty excited to show everyone.  In fact, she hid the tooth in a drawer for part of the evening because she was afraid that the tooth fairy would take it before she could show Lily.  I finally let her walk over to Lily's house and show her so we could just settle in for the night. 
She drew a tooth and a rainbow and cut them out and placed the tooth carefully under the pillow with them.  Then she threatened Jake over and over about falling asleep quickly so the tooth fairy could come.  I have to say, this is the fastest she has fallen asleep...in her whole life.

The tooth fairy better come.  This has been a long month!

Conversation at bed time

The neighborhood kids are crazy about ripsticking right now.  I got 2 ripsticks on black Friday last year and we gave one to Allie this year for her birthday.  She picked it right up and is a maniac on it.  She and Lily have spent hours on them creating obstacle courses and perfecting their skills.  It's pretty cute.
Anyway, Lily hasn't ever had one of her own.  She has always borrowed her brother's.  She finally saved up her money and decided that's what she wanted.  So they ordered one from Amazon.
That's the preface...

Allie:  Mom.  Lily's ripstick is going to be here tomorrow!
Me:  I know!  Are you guys excited?
Allie:  Yes!  Did you know that Lily's dad got this new thing and he can make the weeks go by faster and that's why she is getting it tomorrow?
Me:  The weeks go by faster?
Allie:  Yeah.
Me:  I'm pretty sure he can't make the weeks go by faster. 
Allie:  He can!  That's why she gets her ripstick tomorrow.
Me:  He got a free trial of Amazon Prime and that means he can get free 2 day shipping.  That's why she is getting it tomorrow.
Allie:  So he can't make the weeks go by faster?  (sounding utterly dejected).
Me:  Nope.

When I told Heidi, she laughed and said it should be a commercial for Amazon.  It really could be.  These girls are so excited to have the shipping time reduced to 2 days :)  They don't know anything about Amazon Prime...they just thought Lily's dad had super powers.  He probably does, just not the kind that make the weeks go by faster.


***updated information***

The next day, the girls waited on the front porch for the UPS man to come.  They were seriously there from the time school got out until the package finally came 4 hours later.  After stopping and delivering the ripstick, he came over to our house to deliver some things for Mike.  I told him he had just made some girls really happy.  He laughed and said he had barely set the package on the porch before they had torn into it.  There was garbage everywhere and a few minutes later, a smiling Lily riding down the street on a shiny new ripstick.  I love these girls!

Conversation at the dinner table...

Mike:  How do you guys like your meat?
Jake: (chewing) Mmm...it's good
Allie:  (chewing) Mmm
Mike:  Did you know you're eating a cow's bum?  It's this part right here (pointing to Allie's upper leg and bum cheek)
Allie:...no we're not!
Mike: Yes we are!
Allie: (pushes her plate away)
Me:  Mike!  Allie, it's fine, just eat it.  Don't think about the cow...just eat it.
Allie:  I don't want to eat a cow's bum!
Me:  Don't worry about it.  Just eat it.
Allie: (pushing away the earlier piece, she pointed her fork onto a different piece of meat) Fine.  What part of the cow is this one then?

Conversation at lunch...

Allie:  Mom.  There is a girl at school named --- and she walks around like she's famous.

Me: Famous?

Allie: Yeah.  Like this (showing her sassiest hair toss).  And you know what?  She thinks she's the goodest cutter, but it's not true.  We're all good cutters.  (I can only assume that she means that she thinks she is really good at cutting out things at school...a totally necessary and important kindergarten skill :) Especially when you are going to be famous.)

Me: I hope you are nice to her.

Allie:  I am.  She's really nice to me.  She just thinks she is famous.

Me:  How do you know that she thinks she is famous?

Allie:  I guess I don't know.  I can't read her brain.  She just walks around like she thinks she's famous.

Goodbye to that smile

Jake started wiggling his front tooth months ago.  I begged him not to.  It stuck around.
I shouldn't have expected it to stay forever, but I couldn't help but be sad that it finally fell out.  It's the first of many, and soon enough huge teeth will fill those empty spaces.  I guess I was just so glad to see that he was hanging onto that little boy smile longer than most of his friends.   

He got it wiggly enough for me to pull with the leatherman.  When he looked in the mirror for the first time, he said "I look like a hillbilly!"  I thought that was pretty appropriate.

He's still a cute kid, but it sure is a shock to look over at him and see that gaping hole.  Poor kid has no room in his mouth for the new teeth coming in.  In fact, he has lost 3 on the bottom and only 2 have come back in because there is just no room for the third.  He's in for years of ortho work for sure.  I guess this is just the beginning of a silly smile from Jake.  We'll have some nice "after" pictures when he's about 18 :)

The Celebrations

I think we had a good time celebrating Sam's birthday. 
There was a balloon release for angel babies with the Share Parents group.  At the last minute, Allie and I went with Nate and thought it was really nice.  We met up with my friend Lisa and her family.  Her baby Cale was born a little over a year ago with the same CHD as Sam. 
We wrote on the balloons and were supposed to let them go when Sam's name was read.  Allie was the only one who got that memo.  Nate had a pretty tight grip on his, so we let him keep them. 

There were so many people there.  I couldn't even get them all in the picture.

Cale's family

It really was neat to go to this event and see how many other people are in the same boat as our family.  I remember being pregnant with Sam and walking around doing things like going to the grocery store.  I'd look at all the people living their ordinary lives while I walked around with such a heavy heart.  They didn't know my story.  The cheerful ladies who would congratulate me on the pregnancy had no idea.  No one could know just by looking at me what I was going through. 
Every one of those people at the balloon launch were there because they, or someone they loved, had experienced infant loss.  Every story is different, but we all had that in common.  It reminded me to be more compassionate and aware in my every day life.

Anyway, we had a good time going there.  I always like to hear Sam's name.  It was a nice event.  I'm glad Allie wanted to go with me.  She's a good little buddy.

On Sunday, we spent the whole day doing things together as a family. 
We went up the canyon for a little walk and to toss rocks into the river.

We made skillet cookies and had those as a sort of birthday cake.

Then, after Nate was in bed, the kids wrote down what they wanted to work on this year as a birthday gift to Sam.  They both said they would try to keep the commandments.  Then we attached our notes to balloons to float. 

Allie's note translated: Sam, you are awesome boy.  I am going to keep the commandments.  I love you, Allie

Jake's note: I always love you.  I am trying to (keep the) commandments

 I had heard of people using light sticks to light up helium balloons in the night sky, so we thought we'd try that out. 6 popped balloons later, we finally had a few that were going to work. Just FYI, it doesn't really work to put them inside the balloons. At least the kind we had. They didn't light up enough, and the ones that did held the balloon down. We ended up being happy with tying a glow stick to one of the strings. It was pretty cool to watch that glow stick float higher and higher until it looked like a star.

So that's what we did.  It was nice.
I really do want to keep the tradition alive of celebrating Sam's birthday.  It might sound silly to some, but I can't imagine letting the day go by without doing something.  I'm glad the kids enjoy it too.

Another Birthday

Happy Birthday to Sam!  Three years since I first laid eyes on that sweet little white haired boy.  He changed all of our lives forever. 
It's sad that my memories of his physical body are fading.  That's just how it goes.  I do think of him often.  I'm so glad that the deep ache for him has faded.  I know it sounds heartless, but I don't know how to describe it other than to say that it has faded.  I still have tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this.  I still have a lump in my throat.  I can still bawl my eyes out looking at video and reading my journal from those days before and after he was born.  But I also still find comfort in knowing that it was Heavenly Father's plan for us to be blessed to have Sam just the way he was.  It was His plan for our sweet angel to return to Heaven.  I know that the work he does there is so important that he just couldn't leave for long.  I still strive to help him in that work.  It's the only thing I can still do as his mother.
We talk about him every day.  Nate looks at his picture as I change his diaper and says "baby" over and over.  I remind him that it is baby Sam.  It was music to my ears the day that he repeated the words and said "Sam" in just the way Allie used to say it as we read Leonardo the Terrible Monster.  What a perfect name for our perfect boy.
Allie and Jake talk about him all the time too.  I am so happy when they come home from church or school and have drawn our family.  Their crude little crayon figures always include Sam.  I love that we talk about him.  Just yesterday, Allie was wondering what we could give Sam for his birthday and she said "do you think toys have spirits?  If they had spirits, then when they break, their spirits could go to heaven and all the kids who died could play with their spirits.  Then we wouldn't be so sad when toys break because we would know that their spirits were just in heaven."
Mike and I spoke in church a few weeks ago and much of my talk came from my experiences with Sam.  The topic was becoming more Christlike.  How could I not talk about Sam in a talk about Christ?  I loved hearing the kind words of my ward family as one after another, people reminded me that Sam had touched their hearts too. 
So that's why I say that the deep ache has faded.  The time passes, and yes, it's sad to think that my memories are fading.  But I love that he still lives on.  I find joy in my memories.  I still feel so incredibly blessed to be his mom.
I count these years as milestones, but I don't really try and imagine what life would be like with a 3 year old boy.  That wasn't to be Sam's journey.  He is where he is supposed to be. We'll all be together again eventually.
So, today we celebrate the fact that Sam was here and he still lives.  I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.

Conversation in the front yard...

I was taking Nate for a walk and came home to find Allie in the garage...

Allie:  Mom!  There was a deer in our yard and he was eating our tree!
Me:  Those darn deer!
Allie:  Don't worry.  I got my gun out and tried to shoot it.
Me:  What?!?
Allie:  He got scared when he saw my gun.  So now he's gone.  But I feel kinda bad because now he's over at the Baltzer's eating their trees.


...Thanks for giving a gun to our 6 year old girl Mike... (said with sarcasm)