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Last week, I sat with the unruly Sunbeams at church.  They are so cute, but they are also the wildest group in the Primary.  There are 8 of them (I think).  There were two kids fighting for lap space with the teacher, and for once, I didn't have Jason with me, so I sat down next to them and pulled a boy onto my lap.  He was surprised at first, but it didn't take him long to snuggle into me and sit quietly.  He smelled so good and I found myself snuggling him more than I normally would snuggle any kid other than my own.  His cute blonde, almost white spiky hair poked me in the face and it set me to thinking about Sam.  This boy is just a few weeks younger than Sam would be.  He has the same skin tones and hair color that I guessed Sam would have.  Suddenly, I started to bawl out of longing for the Sam boy that could be sitting on my lap in Primary.  Those instances of loss are fewer and further between and this one came out of nowhere. 

The boy started to get heavier in my lap and I looked down to see that he had fallen asleep.  He started to drool and my tears dried up as I smiled and tried not to be grossed out by someone else’s kid’s drool on my shirt.  

I get these little twinges here and there when I think of what Sam could be, but I remind myself that it was never God's plan for Sam.  It wasn't His plan for Sam to be a 4 year old boy on my lap.  When his heart was developed wrong, it changed everything.

A few days ago Nate pointed out Sam's club as we drove by.  He calls it "hot gog and drink" instead of Sam's club, so when I said, "yep...there's Sam's club where you like to get a hot dog and drink."  He said "Sam's club?" with a question in his voice.  I repeated it again and then he said "bruder Sam?"  I smiled that he was voluntarily talking about Sam and that he knew he was a brother.  We named his other brothers and Allie and it was a few minutes of happiness to me.  Nate didn't ever know Sam on this earth, but he is growing up talking about him.  I love that. 
The kids have been asked about their families and without me coaching them, they always include Sam.  I'm glad that it brings me happiness instead of sorrow.  I'm glad that he is so casually a part of us.  It isn't work, it isn't sad.  It's just how things are.  We have a son that lives in heaven.  They have a brother who died.  It's not ideal, but it's what we know and we love it.  We will take Sam in our lives any way we can get him.
I'm so glad he is mine forever.  I'm happy to remember the sweet boy that was placed in my arms 4 years ago today.  I'm glad that Mike and I have Sam, Nate and Jason, Allie and Jake.  We are all so lucky to have each other. 
Happy Birthday Sam!