Sam

Another year and another birthday for Sam.  

Not just another year...10 years.

10 years since I walked into the hospital and met my beautiful Sam.  

I am so blessed.

So, here's a story for you.

The month of July was a busy one.  It seems like the whole summer sped by in a haze of crazy.  

However, July flew by especially fast.  

I have made it a habit to go to the temple more often since Sam was born.  I'm pretty sure I've written about it before, but in case I haven't, I'll do it again.

I can't really take care of Sam here on this earth like I do my other babes, so I feel like in the temple, I can do my part as his mother.  I can go as often as I can and do work for the names of people that he might be teaching on the other side of the veil.  

I haven't missed a month in over 10 years.  I've had surgeries, babies, and all sorts of ups and downs, but I've always made it to the temple.  

July was hard.  The Logan temple was closed for half of the month for cleaning.

The kids were in swimming lessons, we were mowing lawns, going on trips, and doing all we could to fill our days with stuff.  Next thing I know, there are only 2 days left in the month and I hadn't gone.

I had big things on the calendar too.  Jake was getting his braces off and getting a crown to fix the tooth he'd damaged as a baby.  We were having our Harry Potter party, and I had meetings and other things just piling up.  I was beginning to think that maybe I'd have to write July off and just go August 1st.  (As luck would have it, my calendar was completely empty on August 1, 2, and 3rd.).  

I knew it wasn't really that big of a deal just going a few days later...it's all just numbers and dates on a calendar.  It seemed a bit ridiculous to be cramming it all in.  

I decided not to go in July.  My heart twinged a bit at the thought, but I just didn't see making it all work.

Then, on the afternoon of the 30th, I found that I had 3 hours.  3 whole hours with nothing pressing.

I told the kids to take care of themselves (it's so great that they are old enough to do that) and I got in the car to drive to Brigham City.

I put my "Sam's songs" playlist on and started my drive.

I am normally only about 2-3 songs away from the temple as I listen to that playlist, but this time, I was 10-15 songs away because I was going to Brigham City.

The canyon was beautiful.  The sky was a vibrant blue.  The music cut to my soul.  I listened as Paul Cardall played his version of My Heavenly Father Loves Me on the piano. I listened to the songs that used to bring me to tears as I sat at the computer late at night, writing and mourning the loss of the life I thought I'd have when my third baby came into the world.  

I listened to those songs and I wept.  

I could barely contain the mix of feelings I was having.  Calm peaceful feelings of the Spirit and the deep sorrow that I feel when I think of how terribly sad it is to have my perfect son die and go to heaven.  

As I came out of Mantua, the Dixie Chicks song Easy Silence came on.  The sight of the beautiful Brigham City temple loomed over the horizon as I listened to these lyrics...

When the calls and conversations

Accidents and accusations

Messages and misperceptions

Paralyze my mind

Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving

Burning fumes of gasoline

And everyone is running

And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me

It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me

And the peaceful quiet you create for me

And the way you keep the world at bay for me

The way you keep the world at bay

And anger plays on every station

Answers only make more questions

I need something to believe in

Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me

It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me

And the peaceful quiet you create for me

And the way you keep the world at bay for me

The way you keep the world at bay

Children lose their youth too soon

Watching war made us immune

And I've got all the world to lose

But I just want to hold on to the

Easy silence that you make for me

It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me

And the peaceful quiet you create for me

And the way you keep the world at bay for me

Going to the temple for Sam (and myself) keeps the world at bay for me.  

I can easily get swallowed up in busy stressful things and I am so glad that I've made the effort to feel the easy silence that the temple brings to me.  Once again, thinking that I'm doing something for my boy actually turns out to be for me...will I ever be a "mother" to him?  Sometimes, the strong valiant spirit that I know him to be, is quite intimidating.

I had a wonderful experience visiting the temple that day and I was so glad that I did.  I was so glad that I was able to take the time to leave the busy world and accept the easy silence that Sam makes for me.

God is good.  He knows what is best for us.  I am so grateful for the lessons that I can learn in the easy silence that comes from attending the temple.

10 years of loving Sam.  10 years closer to the time I'll see him again.  

We are so incredibly blessed to have him on our side.  He's an anchor for our family.  We are blessed.

Happy birthday Sam!