New Blog

I have started a new blog. I haven't written much about Sam on this blog and I know there are some of you who want to know more. I have been hesitant to spill my every emotion on this blog, so I started one just for Sam. There's nothing too exciting on that blog, just the old entries about him from this one, but I'll try to update more frequently on it.
Anyway, the site is http://i-am-sam-schwab.blogspot.com/
If any of you are heart parents who check my blog, that's the one to see rather than have to sort through all the stuff I write about our other kids on this blog.
So...there it is!

Jake's Primary Talk

Jake was asked to give a talk in church on Sunday. We have never been in town when he has been asked to talk before, so this was the first time.

After a bribe of a pack of gum, Jake was totally set to give the talk. I was so proud of him because he stood up, talked into the microphone, and did a great job.

Here's his talk (if you care)...

“My talk is about how faith, prayer, repentance, and forgiveness strengthens me and my family. This is my baby brother Sam.

He is in my Mommy’s tummy. Every night we pray for Sam and it makes my family strong.

This is my little sister Allie. Sometimes we fight. When we are mean to each other, we repent and say sorry. We forgive each other and it makes our family strong. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

It was pretty funny, he wasn't even clear of the mic before he asked for his pack of gum. Now we know what motivates him.

Is there anything better than this?

Another peek...

Yesterday Mike and I dropped the kids off at my friend Natalie's house and rushed to our appointment in Ogden. I couldn't sit still the whole way there because I was watching the minutes tick by on the clock and realizing that there was no way we would make it to the appointment on time. We pulled into the parking lot a few minutes late and I jumped out of the truck and ran into the hospital. I had to stop the elevator at every floor because I couldn't remember where the office was. All the while I am panicking because they say they will reschedule your appointment if you are more than 15 minutes late. I finally found the right floor (4th, so yes, I made 3 other stops) and hurried to the desk. They took their time coming to me and said I could sit and wait.

I sat...and waited. The adrenaline wore off and I was able to relax a little. Mike rushed in (after searching the hospital floors as well) and we laughed at how close we had cut it to the 15 minute limit. Then we sat...and waited.

The waiting room was full... 5 or 6 other expectant mothers (and their rowdy kids). We talked about how we should have brought our kids too. We hate worrying that they are fighting at someone elses house, or worrying that we are putting someone else out while we sit and wait at Dr. appointments. Luckily the kids love it at Natalie's and she assures me that she loves it too.

Anyway, we watched other parents come out of the room in tears and remembered the pain we felt last month when we left the office. We watched others come out having accepted their new fate as parents of babies that won't be "perfect". (That's where we are this month). Still we waited...

Over an hour after arriving a little late, we were finally taken back for an ultrasound. Sam looks great. As I have said before, it will never cease to amaze me as we peek into his little world. As usual he was on the move. The tech took the first picture to figure out his position. She hadn't even typed in the words before he flipped to another position and she had to start over. She measured all sorts of things and took a good look at everything. Then we visited with the doctor. We didn't feel at all guilty taking time to ask all our questions because we had just waited in the waiting room for over an hour. He was great and answered all the questions he knew answers to. He asked if we wanted to do an amniocentesis to determine if there were any chromosomal defects in Sam. He explained that in 2 to 3 percent of kids with a severe heart defect, there is a chromosome disorder behind it. Mike jumped on that. He wants all the information he can get about Sam so we can be prepared for whatever comes. I thought of the big needle and all the risks associated with it and told Mike we'd have to talk about it. Have any of you had an amnio?

Anyway, we discussed all kinds of things and at the end we asked how often we really needed to come down to Ogden for the visits and he said "oh, I guess you could just meet with Dr. Andres when he comes to Logan every other week." Yeah, that would have been good to know weeks ago. It would have been nice to know that we didn't have to drive to Ogden, worry that we would be late, wait for an hour, worry that the kids were beating on Natalie's kids, worry that 5 hours was too long to leave our kids with anyone who wanted to remain sane, and worry that it was all going to have to happen again in 2 weeks. Now I know that the doctor comes to Logan and could just see me there. Hello! They knew we were from the Logan area. They knew all this when we made our first appointment. Why didn't anyone think to suggest that we might rather stay in our home turf if there was an option? Oh well, I guess that's just how it goes in this world. We are going to have to get used to waiting in doctor's offices. We are going to have to get used to figuring out all the red tape. I guess now is a great time to start. My next appointment is at Logan Regional.

So there it is.

And here's the best part of the post...

Mess maker

My friend Allie makes such a mess when she is eating. It's not that she won't eat. She eats all kinds of things that Jake wouldn't dream of eating. She just really enjoys texture. She likes to play with her food. She always has. She calls it "making a brew".
She sure is a cute and funny girl. I used to get pretty exasperated with her at meal times. It doesn’t seem like she can eat a meal without playing texture games. Today at lunch we had applesauce and peanut butter sandwiches. It wasn’t long before she had a handful of applesauce and was rubbing it into her hands and arms like lotion. Then she coated the sandwich in the applesauce. I used to try and make her stop. After every single day asking her 3 times a day not to play with her food...I gave up. Now I just try to accept that she likes to mix her foods, and in the process she is bound to make a mess.
She always eats her gross concoctions, even if it is a mix of things that make me want to hurl (mac and cheese with peaches). Or, like dinner a few nights ago...baked potatoes, yogurt, string cheese, and chicken. It was all in the yogurt cup and gone before I could really complain.

I have often thought an outdoor shower would be nice. I have also thought about installing a disposal in the kids bath tub. (Remember when Kramer did that on Seinfeld?) She usually goes straight from the dinner table to the tub. She sure cleans up nice! I also wonder if it is any indication of her future career path. She could be an artist (finger painting or a sculpter), she could be chef who makes odd combinations of food that turn out amazing, or she could be a Mom and end up with a beautiful daughter who loves to play with her own food. Then she could discover a great way to clean it up.

A sign that summer is here at last

Harry Potter and the Laundry Pile

I know that some of you know that I am a total Harry Potter nerd. It's almost embarrassing to admit it, but I like the books so much that why should I be embarrassed?

Anyway, I usually read the books again in the summer (when I say "read" I really mean listen to them on my ipod which is actually really fun because Jim Dale is the best reader ever). That means that I have heard or read the first three books at least 10 times, because I re-read them before each of the next books releases.

This summer I had been in a little bit of a book slump. There was so much on my mind that I couldn't concentrate on anything new. You can't really know why that is so terrible until you understand what I do while I listen to books.

I do housework while listening to books. It is mostly important for folding laundry. I have trained myself to only fold laundry while listening to a book. So, when you think that I haven't had a book to listen to since we found out about Sam (the longest month ago ever), you can imagine the pile of laundry that has accumulated. My Mom saw it and I know she was surprised. You can't imagine 4 people could have so many clothes. (It also included towels and sheets). I have no problem sorting and washing the laundry. The problem only comes in folding.

Back to the point of the post. I love Harry Potter. I was in such a slump that I was worried to start my summer of listening to all the books consecutively. I was worried that my sadness might bleed into tainting Harry Potter books for me, and next summer I would remember those feelings as I listened to Jim Dale and his many voices.

As the laundry piled up, and the toys in the toy room became increasingly mixed up, I decided that tainted or not, I had to get something done.

I started the first book last week. I have listened to that book so many times that if you started a sentence in that book, I can finish it. But there I was, smiling, and even chuckling out loud while my laundry pile shrunk. I don't care what book it is, no book can top those first few chapters of The Sorcerers Stone for me.

I know there are many Harry Potter critics out there. I'm not saying that the books are for everyone. I'm not even saying that every kid should read them because they definitely get scary for kids as the series goes on. All I am saying is that I really like the books. I really like that we don't have to go downstairs and rifle through a ceiling high pile of clothes to get dressed every day. It's nice to have the clothes upstairs in drawers where they belong. And for that, I can thank J.K. Rowling.

A new perspective

Our baby has a broken heart. There is no other way to describe it than to say that it totally stinks.

However, we have already seen some blessings in our lives. One of them has been the outpouring of love that we have felt. Another is the door that has been opened to us in the community of Heart parents. We have met some really neat people. Another thing is that it has made me appreciate my "healthy heart" kids so much more. I realize that it is an absolute miracle that any child is born healthy. There are so many things that come into play when a child is developing. I find myself looking at Allie and Jake with new eyes. I love everything about their little bodies. I love everything about their little faces. I love everything about their personalities (well, almost everything). I have started to notice that when I lose my patience, it really isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. My perspective has changed. I want to enjoy each moment more, because really that moment doesn't last forever.

I already love Sam, and I love his little beating half heart. I love that his spirit is strong enough to face this challenge and I know that he will bless our family. He already has. He has made me remember more each day about the miracle of life. He has made me remember to laugh more each day. He has made me look at the world with new eyes.

I went on a 4 wheeler ride up the canyon the other day. Picture me on Jake's little wheeler because that's what it was. Anyway, as I drove up, slower than everyone else, I took the time to look at all the beauty of the Earth. The birds were chirping, the trees were in bloom, the wild flowers were out on the hillside, the river was bubbling...it was amazing. I have always appreciated nature and the beauty of the world we live in, but I saw things with new eyes. I thought of Sam and wondered what he might know of this life. I thought of Allie and Jake loving every minute of their ride. I thought of all these things that were created to give us joy. I thought about how really precious life is. None of us know the exact moment that we could return to live with our Father in Heaven. We need to enjoy the time we have. I am enjoying the time I have with Sam. I don't know if I treasured my other pregnancies as much as I am this time. I don't know if I was as aware of each movement. I hope I can keep enjoying it so much when I start to get big and uncomfortable.

So, on to the point. I can thank Sam for my new perspective. Jake and Allie can thank him too, because I am trying each day to be a better Mom. If you really get down to it, Mike can thank him too because I think I'm even a better wife. So thanks Sam!

It's summer bacation

Jake is out of pre-school for "summer bacation". I don't know if he can't make the "v" sound for the word, or if he just doesn't hear the word right. Either way, Jake is out of school for his first ever summer vacation.

I loved Jake's pre-school teacher and the way she ran the class. She was great and he will probably miss going to school.

He ended the school year with "M's" on his report card. That means that he mastered all the things she taught him. I'm not shy about saying that the boy is pretty smart. I can be a bragging Mom right?

Anyway, here he is in his little hat they made. I sure do love that boy!

Sam

I think baby #3 will be Sam. We have never named a baby until we are at the hospital and they are asking us to fill out the paper work before we go home. This time, I wanted a name. We have talked about him so much and we keep saying "him" and "the baby"... I just wanted a name. I have always liked the name Sam, but it hasn't really been high on the list. Now it is.

We had a fetal echocardiogram at Primary Children's Hospital the other day and got more information about what we are facing.

Sam has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). While his heart was forming, things didn't go according to plan. Now he is left with 3 chambers instead of 4. The left side of his heart can't do the job that it is supposed to do, so the burden for the entire job falls upon the right side. (Mike's description of it is to take an 8 cylinder motor, put some crappy gas in it and tell it to pull a trailer up the canyon only running on 4 cylinders and see how well it does. He also has a description for the other things we learned about, using the words "intake valves" and "compression chambers" if you want to learn it the "man" way from him).
When the doctors at McKay told us that there was a procedure to fix the problem, I wondered how they could fix something that wasn't there. After our appointment at Primary's, I now know that they can't fix something that isn't there. They can make what is there work to do the job of both sides of the heart, but they can't make it whole and complete. I think that is the most discouraging news for me, I just had a different picture in my mind. This whole process has been a lot to take in.

I have loved my little glimpses into Sam's world. He is a busy and wiggly baby. Each ultrasound has taken much longer than usual because the tech has to spend most of the time chasing him around to get a good look.

We are still facing an uncertain future. I only wrote this post as an update of what we know. Although Mike and I are filled with sadness, I do still feel the comfort and peace that can only come from the Savior and Heavenly Father.

Sam is a special baby for sure.

I have found an entire network of "Heart" families online. These wonderful people have chosen to share their experiences with people like our family who are just getting our feet wet. I have seen their heart aches and their joys and it has been good to read their words saying the exact same things I think and feel.
In the end, I found this poem on one of the blogs. It doesn't have an author cited so I can't give anyone credit, but here it is...

It's a beautiful day up in heaven. Jesus is rounding up his tiniest angels, to go live on earth, and be born. One of the sweetest angels says to Jesus "I don't want to leave, I like it here, and I will miss you." He reassures the scared little angel that everything will be okay, and that the angel is just going for a visit.
The little angel is still not swayed on this idea. So Jesus kneels down, and says, "How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and take the other half with you, will that be okay?" The angel smiles and says, "I guess that will work." But the little angel is still a little scared. He asks, "Will I be okay with only half of my heart?" Jesus replies, "Of course you will, I have other angels there that will help you out, and you will be fine."
Then Jesus gives the angel more details about His plan. He says, "When you are born, your mommy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart."
"Enjoy your time with your family, play and laugh everyday." "And when its time to come back to heaven, I will make your heart whole again. Always remember that you are not broken, just torn between two loves."