Sam Songs

Today is Sam's birthday.  I have been thinking about him a lot lately.  For one thing, he would have started Kindergarten this year.  I see the kids his age in their first day of school pictures and it makes me smile.  I am so grateful that I have the peace that I have.
I listen to my "Sam's Songs" playlist on the way to the temple.  I added one to the list a little while ago and when it came on, I had some memories come to mind and I sat in the car and bawled.  I was remembering those first precious moments of having Sam in my arms.  I watched him get his first bath and tried to make time stand still as the clock kept ticking away the minutes until he would go back to heaven.  I thought I was doing a pretty good job of living in the moment and reveling in the joy and peace that Sam's spirit brought into the room.  The nurses kept checking his breathing because it sounded so labored.  They would ask every once in a while when our photographer was coming or when Allie and Jake were coming to meet him.  I wasn't getting any of their hints, so someone had to spell it out for me.  They didn't think we were going to have as much time as we had hoped for.  They told us that we should probably rush people in so we could bless him and let his siblings meet him.  I fell apart for just a little while and I remember thinking of how unfair it was.  I begged my Heavenly Father to just let me have more time.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet.  That prayer was answered and he seemed to do better and we were able to take him home, let the sun shine on his face and fill our home with the love of Christ.
I have been very blessed to be able to have the good memories of Sam linger with me.  I have said before that I feel like I connected with Sam's spirit before he was even born, so although I was sad when his body died, I have felt at peace.  I am so glad that the good feelings of peace linger, but once in a while, I remember those days after his diagnosis and then all the days before he was born and all the days after he went back to heaven when my heart was so broken.  I look back and cry for the Sue that had to go through that.  I don't even know how to describe what I am trying to say, other than to be grateful that I don't have that raw pain that I used to have.  I had times of peace back then and I know that I was being held up by the prayers of others and the love of my Heavenly Father, but it was all such a sad time.
I know it sounds odd to be grateful for memories of that heart ache, but I am grateful that I have those feelings.  I don't ever want those feelings to go away completely because they remind me of the deep love I have for my son Sam.

Anyway, here's the song.  Some day, I will write out how all the words work for me and Sam. (As opposed to the wedding song for Bella and Edward...eww)   For now, I'm tired and ready to hit the sack, so that will have to just come another time...

A Thousand Years Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

(Verse 2)
Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

Conversation at Bed Time

Nate was naughty at bed time.  I have had to lay down by him to get him to sleep for a while now and sometimes it drives me crazy.  I had Jason in with me too and they were just at each other constantly.  I couldn't get them to calm down and lay quietly long enough to get tired.  I was threatening separation and all sorts of consequences for being naughty.  Jason doesn't care about consequences and wasn't phased at all.  Nate was starting to regret his bad choices.

Nate:  If I just lay here and go to sleep, can I earn back my 4 wheeler ride tomorrow?

Me: Yes, you can earn it back.

Nate:  Okay...Mom, I don't want Jason in here with me.  If Jason's in here with me it will remind me to challenge him to a fight.

70

My mom sent an email today saying that my dad's 70th birthday was today.  I knew it was his birthday, but for some reason, I didn't even add the years up and think about the huge number of 70.  His twin brother has had a rough year this year.  He had a triple (or quadruple, I can't remember) bi-pass earlier in the year.  Then had a shoulder surgery and now he's got prostate cancer.  I guess it's easy to believe he's turning 70 today, but my dad is still stuck in my head as a strong man who could do anything, lift anything, work from sun up to sun down, and just be the man he always was.  Crazy to think of that man turning 70.  But, 70 it is.  I have loved him 38 of those years.  My Mom has loved him 43 of those years.  He's been in heaven for 13 years.  Heaven is a good place, but we miss him.  So, happy birthday Dad!  Hope you and Sam are doing all you can for us from where you sit.

 My dad loved dogs and bred St. Bernards when he was younger.  He also owned hundreds of different cars.  I really don't even think that would be exaggerating.  He loved cars and had a body shop so he was always working on something.

 There were some years when my Dad had the mustache, but most years it was Richard.  In these ones, my dad is the one with the stache...you can tell because Richard had a crooked arm and is a hair taller than my dad.

 I wish there was a picture that showed the exact color of his eyes.  Jason has his eyes.

 My parents don't have many pictures of their wedding day because there was some sort of camera mishap, but they do have this one and I love to see how happy they were.

 This one is probably 1982.

Maybe 88?

 '92?

 '95?

This was the last family picture we took.  It was 2003.  He had 3 grand-kids with one on the way.  Now he has 17 with two bonus grand-kids and 3 bonus great grand-kids.  He has missed out on a lot, but I know he has been able to peek in on us and I'm sure he pulls strings for us all the time.  I love my dad and I am so grateful he was born 70 years ago!  

Nate's Dream Come True

Nate had one of his deepest desires fulfilled last weekend and I wasn't even there to witness it.  This boy has loved all things with a motor since he was an infant.  He has wanted to drive them on his own since he was 1.  We haven't been able to let him lose on things until now because he can't be trusted to be safe.  This weekend, he was able to ride a wheeler at Grandpa Joe's all by himself.  I've been letting him push the gas on our wheeler rides so he can learn how to govern the speed and I am close by to take his hand off if he gets going too fast.  So, I guess he thought he was ready to ride on his own and he got his chance.  It had electric start, so he got to where he would just walk over, start it up, drive around the field and then park it again.  Mike said it was funny to watch him saunter over like he owned the place and start it up for a quick ride.  I think it was awesome that he could finally live out his dreams.  He came back home with a huge smile on his face and was so proud of himself.  He has also asked to go back to Grandpa Joe's about 10 times a day since then.  He had such a great time.  

The Things I Miss About Summer

We have been back in school mode for a few weeks now and we are so busy that I haven't had much time to think about the days that were so perfectly easy...

I saw this picture today though and it made me want to go get Allie from school and bring her home so she could snuggle her brother on the couch.  Aren't they cute!?

 Cute, and so similar in so many ways that it is obvious that they are siblings.

Floating the River

I showed you earlier how Allie and her friends would float the river, but I didn't tell you about Jake and his friends.  They float the lower river that goes along Canyon Road and down to the park.  It takes almost an hour to float all the way down.  I know that because sometimes I'd have to pick him up down at the park when he needed to go to swimming.  I have heard him talk about the river run with his friends and heard bits and pieces of the names they have made up for places.

For example, one of the times that Jake went out, his tube popped.  I was pretty annoyed because it wasn't our tube so we had to replace it for his friend.  Anyway, I asked where the tube was because he didn't come home with it.  He told me it was on the "log of shame".  I guess that's where the tubes that don't make it have to live out the rest of their sad, failed lives.  I told him I wouldn't let him litter there, so he had to go back and re-claim his tube.  I took him down there so he could go get it and he told me it was close to "Navajo bridge".  Their friend Aaron is Navajo and used to live right there by that bridge, so that's why they call it Navajo bridge. The "Hills of Peace" are by their friend's house where it's calm and peaceful.  His last name is Hill.  

"RIP Falls" are named for a waterfall that has some cement near by where someone spray painted "RIP we love you Damean".

"Shoe Turn" is a place where things get trapped and it happens to have about 50 lost shoes.  I'm sure some of Allie's missing flip flops have found their way down there.  

On a side note, Jake lost one of his Keens on the river one day and he came home pretty sad about it.  Luckily the shoes were pretty thrashed and I had new shoes for him and was just waiting to give them to him when school started.  We just had to pull them out a little early.  The shoe turned up a few days later though, so that was a good thing.

I got sick of replacing tubes, and I know Heidi did too.  One day, Stockton covered the entire bottom of his tube with duct tape.  It was supposed to be indestructible.  No chance of getting popped in "Barbwire ranch".  Well, the tube popped when Carson was on it, so now it's called the Titanic.  It was supposed to be indestructible, but it sunk anyway.    

I am glad we discovered that duct tape can save tubes though because it was getting ridiculous.  It's no wonder with places called "Turnover Tree" where you get flipped over if  you hit it, or "Painful Trespassing".  

I love hearing of their adventures.  It makes me laugh when Jake tells me that one tube after another pops until they are all sharing one tube in the end.  It's no wonder that Jake's legs are scraped up and bloody pretty much all summer long.

That reminds me, they all got into some poison ivy at their hut this year and it has been a plague.  It landed one of the boys in the ER with an allergic reaction to some lavender that his mom put on the rash. I thought my boy had avoided it when the others were complaining of their ails, Jake didn't seem to have it.  Then he got it the last week of summer and it's still bugging him, weeks later.  

I didn't realize it was such a bad deal.  It's an oil and spreads to anywhere you touch.  Jake has several places that drive him crazy and he is not one to leave an itch un-scratched.  He's seriously a gross scabby mess.  

Jake has had a great summer and I am so grateful for the pack of boys that live here.  There always seems to be someone to have an adventure with.  They live a great life! 

Picnic

I think Allie wanted a picnic almost every day of the summer.  She only had a few.  I wanted lunch time for me.  I felt like they were outside every minute of every day and I wanted to keep them for just an hour.  Between an early lunch for the boys and then Jake and Allie being in different places at different times, it was pretty rare to be able to eat together, but we did manage to read one book together.  We read Jerry Spinelli's Loser.  It's a great book and one that lead to good discussions together.  We should have started another book because we finished that at the end of June, but we never did.  

Anyway, they did get to have a picnic with their friends in one of the last weeks of summer.  They thought it was pretty fun.  For Allie and Lily, most of the fun was getting the blanket out and setting things up nicely.

 For the boys, it was just about the food.

More Butterfly Fun

All our caterpillar/butterflies are gone for the year, but I wanted to show some pictures of them that I took.  These are the leaves and all the poop from one day of having 3 caterpillars in our cage.  Can you believe all that poop?!  

We also found out that Star Valley doesn't have milk weed.  We took ours up to Star Valley when we were there for the 4th of July.  I thought we could take better care of them on the road because we could get them fresh leaves.  They didn't have one milk weed plant anywhere!  So we just had to hope that they would be fine on the ones we brought with us and they were.  They munched the fresh leaves the second we got home though.

 Here they are hanging out on some leaves while I was cleaning out the cage.

We had two that looked like they were going to go into their "j" at the same time, so we put them in jars so they could go into a chrysalis without being disturbed while we fed the other caterpillar that was still a few days away from going into a "j".  We learned that they have one day of inactivity up at the top before they go into their "J" and they spend one day in the "J" before they form a chrysalis.  We have always wanted to see one form a chrysalis, but it seems like it happens so fast we have always missed it.  This time, I caught one right as it was turning green and getting fat.  It was so cool!  The caterpillar shoots out this liquid stuff and spins around on that little tiny post at the top.  It just gradually thickens until it is completely covering the "J".  I think it probably must only take about 5 minutes because it is always so fast.  We mark on the calendar the day they go into their "j" and it's about 14 days after that when they come out.

We had two butterflies come out on the same day and the kids got to hold them before they were ready to fly off.  I think they are so beautiful!

They flew off after they took a few hours to dry off their wings and now, every time we see a monarch, we wonder if it is one that we nurtured or one of the babies from last years caterpillars.  It has been a favorite summer time activity for sure.

Another Day, Another Call to Poison Control...

That's the text I sent to Mike the other day.  My mom was in town and we were working on a project, so instead of laying down next to Jason to get him down for a nap, I had left him in the room...trusting that he would fall asleep on his own.  I kept getting that nagging feeling that a mom to a 2 year old gets sometimes when things seem to be going too good for the day.  So, I went in search of Jason.  He wasn't in my bed where I had left him.  After a quick search, I found him sitting on his bed looking guilty. There was white stuff all over his hands and his mouth was closed in a way that told me he was hiding something that he had eaten.  I inspected his hands as I said "open up!  What's in your mouth?  What did you eat?!"  He just kept shaking his head.  I couldn't identify the white stuff on his hands, so I kept asking him to open up.
He wouldn't, so I tried to get a finger in his mouth to swipe it and find out what was in there.  My finger met resistance and then POP! I was able to get it in and swipe around looking for foreign objects.  There was a lot of drool, and something hard in there, but I couldn't swipe it out.  I finally told him to point to what he had eaten.  He led me to my room and pointed to the super glue tube.  Just that morning, I had fixed a monster truck and left the glue out on the desk.  I walked by a few times thinking that I needed to put that up before someone got into it.  I never did listen to that little voice.  Sure enough, the super glue tube had bite marks and glue oozing out of  a "Jason sized" hole at the top.  He had squirted enough in his mouth to seal his mouth shut.  When I swiped in there, it had come loose, but he still had enough glue in there for dental impressions. Complete with upper and lower teeth markings.
The white stuff on his hands was the glue that had mixed with his saliva and luckily nothing else before it dried.
Allie heard my exclamations and had hurried in to see what she could do.  That poor girl has witnessed way too many scary Jason moments and she was a wreck.  She wanted me to call 911.  I knew he was okay, but thought a call to poison control would be in order.  We said a little prayer to calm Allie down and then made the call to poison control.  The man on the line was super friendly and calm and assured me that ingesting super glue isn't that big of a deal.  The only worry would be if he had sealed himself to something.  That wasn't the case, so he told us to wait it out and the glue would come off on its own.  That was good to know.  First of all, that he wasn't in poison danger, and second, that we wouldn't have to go to the dentist to get all that stuff scraped off his teeth.  In fact, after a little while, I was able to reach in there and pull it off in one big chunk.  It did take a while to wear off his hands and lips, but that wasn't a big deal.
It took a little while for Allie to feel okay about the situation.  I love that when I suggested to pray, she said "I already have, but lets say one together."
I feel bad that she had to be so worried.  I guess that's one side effect of loving.  You worry about those you love and Allie loves her Jason.  I love him too and I wish he wouldn't do things that worry me...dang kid!
The other funny thing is that a week later, I got a call from poison control.  They wanted me to do a quick survey.  I usually hate doing surveys...even though I used to be one of those annoying callers, but this time, I agreed to the survey.  The questions were about the recent call and my satisfaction.  Then, she asked how many times I had called poison control in the past.  I paused because it took me a minute to count up the near disasters we've had.  We are lucky that things have always worked out.  Anyway, that's the latest poison control story.  Glad it ended well.

Bowling

These last few posts have been all about Allie and her birthday.  It seems like no matter how simple I want to make things, it still ends up seeming like we celebrate each birthday for at least a week...sometimes more.  I don't mind though and I know the kids don't mind.
Allie wanted to have a boating party with her friends, but Mike has been so busy this summer that I didn't think we could swing it.  I didn't want to go out by myself with all the kids and try to do it all alone.  So we told her boating was out and she said bowling was in.  It ended up being a really fun thing for the girls.

They started out with cupcakes...can you tell that it's a bowling ball?

Well, it is.

She got some neat gifts from her friends.

Then, we took to the lanes...

They all did really well.  Allie picked up a few spares and one of her friends got more than one strike.  They were competitive in a way, but totally different from the boys because when it wasn't their turn, they were on the ground playing with the bowling balls.  They were making them spin and probably had more fun doing that than actually bowling.  They sure are cute little friends.  I am grateful that Allie has them.