Sam Songs

Today is Sam's birthday.  I have been thinking about him a lot lately.  For one thing, he would have started Kindergarten this year.  I see the kids his age in their first day of school pictures and it makes me smile.  I am so grateful that I have the peace that I have.
I listen to my "Sam's Songs" playlist on the way to the temple.  I added one to the list a little while ago and when it came on, I had some memories come to mind and I sat in the car and bawled.  I was remembering those first precious moments of having Sam in my arms.  I watched him get his first bath and tried to make time stand still as the clock kept ticking away the minutes until he would go back to heaven.  I thought I was doing a pretty good job of living in the moment and reveling in the joy and peace that Sam's spirit brought into the room.  The nurses kept checking his breathing because it sounded so labored.  They would ask every once in a while when our photographer was coming or when Allie and Jake were coming to meet him.  I wasn't getting any of their hints, so someone had to spell it out for me.  They didn't think we were going to have as much time as we had hoped for.  They told us that we should probably rush people in so we could bless him and let his siblings meet him.  I fell apart for just a little while and I remember thinking of how unfair it was.  I begged my Heavenly Father to just let me have more time.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet.  That prayer was answered and he seemed to do better and we were able to take him home, let the sun shine on his face and fill our home with the love of Christ.
I have been very blessed to be able to have the good memories of Sam linger with me.  I have said before that I feel like I connected with Sam's spirit before he was even born, so although I was sad when his body died, I have felt at peace.  I am so glad that the good feelings of peace linger, but once in a while, I remember those days after his diagnosis and then all the days before he was born and all the days after he went back to heaven when my heart was so broken.  I look back and cry for the Sue that had to go through that.  I don't even know how to describe what I am trying to say, other than to be grateful that I don't have that raw pain that I used to have.  I had times of peace back then and I know that I was being held up by the prayers of others and the love of my Heavenly Father, but it was all such a sad time.
I know it sounds odd to be grateful for memories of that heart ache, but I am grateful that I have those feelings.  I don't ever want those feelings to go away completely because they remind me of the deep love I have for my son Sam.

Anyway, here's the song.  Some day, I will write out how all the words work for me and Sam. (As opposed to the wedding song for Bella and Edward...eww)   For now, I'm tired and ready to hit the sack, so that will have to just come another time...

A Thousand Years Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

(Verse 2)
Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more