I keep starting a new post only to close things up and turn the computer off. I guess I just don't know what to say. The last 9 months have been the longest months of my life. The last 4 months feel like an eternity. Next week I get to meet this little baby that has grown and thrived in my belly. His little heart will have to beat on its own and the time for his life here on earth will be measured with each heart beat.
People ask what they can do for us. They ask how I am doing "no really...how are you?" I say that I am fine because for right now I am fine. They look at me skeptically and talk about how they could never imagine being in my shoes. They say I am handling things well, that they just can't believe that I am really okay. But I have had 4 months to come to "fine". In that time, I have prayed more than I have ever prayed. I have cried more than I have ever cried. But I have also been engulfed in peace. I have come to know the will of our Father.
I know that this is the calm before the storm, but I am "fine" with that. Four months ago, I couldn't imagine this day. I couldn't imagine feeling "fine" with what is about to come to pass.
A couple weeks ago I got a call from a girl whose baby was just diagnosed with HLHS. My heart was aching for her. I guess I was naive. I know there are kids out there with HLHS. I know that there will be many more, but I guess I just thought that with our bad news, that should be the end of it. That should be enough. No more people should have to go through it too. Is that a weird thought process or what.
Anyway, as I talked to her and listened to her concerns and questions, it took me back to our diagnosis. The feelings were so raw. I could remember having those same concerns and questions. I remember wondering if I would ever know what the Lord wanted us to do for our baby. As I hung up the phone, I prayed that this girl and her husband would be able to come to the peace that we have found. I prayed that in 4 months she could be where I am now. If this has to happen to someone else, I want them to be able to grow from the experience too.
The days keep flying by and before I know it Wednesday will be here and I will be holding Sam in my arms. I am so excited, but I am also terrified. What if I am not strong enough to keep it together. I talk to my friend Diana, who is a little over a month ahead of me in this situation, and she gives me hope. Her sweet Merideth is gone from this earth, but Diana finds the strength to keep it together. Maybe I can too. Maybe 4 months from now I will have a new perspective again and be able to help more families who have to go through this too.
So, this is a rambling post, but I wanted to let you know that I am "fine". I am excited to meet Sam and then I'll face each day as it comes. Definitely keep us in your prayers this week because I know that is the only reason that we are doing fine.
4 comments:
Sue, you are a beautiful writer. I love reading your posts because they are filled with honesty. Your name went on the prayer roll at the temple as well as baby Sam's. We will be thinking of you this week.
Sue, Isn't it amizing how things can be fine in the midst of such trial? When, you told me about Sam and I said everything will be all right. This is what I meant. I know the feeling of Peace, that you have now. It will stay with you as long as you need. it. That spirit helps everything be OK. Know you are loved, by me, your family, Mike, your children, Mike's family and most importantly of all, your Father in Heaven.
Your mom, Bonnie
You are a beautiful writer. i agree with Renee. I love you and you continue to be in my daily prayers as well as baby Sam. We love your little family.
Again- I have shared all of these same thoughts as I near the day of my c-section. Thank you for the strength to share your beautiful feelings and experiences.
Post a Comment