I have been thinking of Sam today as I cleaned the house. It was two weeks ago that he returned to heaven. Life here continues, and that is how it should be. I just don't want Sam to be forgotten. There were lots of people that weren't able to attend the memorial for Sam, so I thought I'd post my talk from the memorial on here. I haven't gotten Mike's talk transcribed yet, so that can come in the future. For now, this is what I said.
First of all, I have to thank you for all the support and love. It’s so great to look out and see so many faces of people that I love. I am blessed to know you.
There is no way to repay the kindness we have felt over the last few months. We have had people watch our kids, feed us, laugh and cry with us. Countless people have told us that they are praying for us and that they have put our names in various temples. I know that we are strengthened by those prayers and all the kind acts of service. Thank you all so much.
These last few days I feel like I have been back in school with all sorts of deadlines, decisions, and stresses. It would have been so easy to just hole up in our house and wallow in grief and sorrow this week. Then I wouldn’t have to be up here talking to you. But it’s not how I wanted things to be. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings about Sam, because he was here. It might have only been a few days on the calendar, but he was here. And I will never be the same.
I have to tell a quick story, about how I began to gain a testimony and I promise I’ll tie it in later. As a young girl at girl’s camp, I sat in a canoe and looked up at the starry sky listening to young women all around the lake singing “How Great Thou Art”. The spirit touched my heart and I felt love. I knew my Heavenly Father loved me. My simple testimony began to build that day. I went through times where I tried to rebel but I always knew in my heart that I was a daughter of my Heavenly Father and he loved me.
On May 6th we went in for a routine ultrasound at the half way point in my pregnancy. We had Jake and Allie with us and we were loving our little glimpse into our baby’s world. Then the ultrasound tech paused and spent an extra long time on the baby’s heart. She wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, but she did know that it was something.
Our hearts were broken. That night I did a bad thing and looked up heart defects on the internet and read about all the awful things that can happen when a heart is developing. I knew that there were many things doctors could do to fix problems, but then I came across Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. It is considered a fatal heart defect where the left side of the heart is underdeveloped and can’t work. I hurried and shut the computer off and cried my eyes out. Mike wondered what had worried me so much and I told him that we would be fine as long as it wasn’t that particular heart defect. We were scheduled to have a detailed ultrasound later that week and I couldn’t quit worrying about it, so I asked Mike to give me a blessing. When he laid his hands on my head, an overwhelming feeling of peace and love came over me. Mike didn’t say the words that I wanted to hear. He didn’t say that this baby would be fine and that he would live. He said that the Lord is in charge and this is all part of a plan. As he spoke those words, I knew it. I knew that it was not a mistake. I wanted Mike to bless this baby to be okay, but deep down, I knew that it wasn’t the plan for us. Up to that point I was praying that when we got a better ultrasound they would find things miraculously better. I was praying that this would all have been a mistake. After that blessing I just prayed that we would be able to handle whatever was in store for us and that I would be able to have continued peace.
At our next ultrasound, the tech said the dreaded words “Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome”. Then she left us in the dark room to wait for the doctor to come and tell us our options.
With a broken heart, I turned to Mike and said “We are going to bury our baby.” We hugged and I began to pray. The overwhelming feeling of peace came back to me and I knew once again that things were in God’s hands. The same spirit that whispered to me as a 12 year old girl on the lake at girl’s camp, reminded me that my Heavenly Father loves me and that He was in charge.
Over the next four months, Mike and I thought non stop about the baby that I carried. We decided to name him Sam, and I was instantly in love with the little baby that kicked and fluttered and moved and was so alive. At our next doctor’s appointment, we learned that although this is considered a fatal defect, there was an option of a series of “palliative surgeries” that can be used as a band aid for a few years. The other option was to take our son home with the heart he was given and love him for as long as he was allowed to stay.
Mike and I prayed more than we have ever prayed before. We cried more than we have ever cried before. We visited the temple, we received priesthood blessings. We continually asked to know the Lord’s will for Sam. Through all of this, I clung to my belief that the Lord was in charge and that this was part of His plan for our family.
Our prayers were answered and we knew that Sam was not meant to live on this earth for long. We knew that he was a special spirit and that we were blessed to be his parents.
Two weeks before Sam was born we met a neat man named Alvin Price and we told him about our Sam and his special heart. He reminded us that every person on this earth has been given a spiritual gift from God. Then he challenged us to fast and pray that we would know what Sam’s gift was and then use it to teach our other children about Sam, and his purpose on this earth.
I took that challenge to heart and prayed that I would know Sam’s spiritual gift. Then I started to read some talks from General Authorities about gifts of the spirit. I think my prayers were answered when I came across a talk by Robert D. Hales. In it, he talked about the gift of charity. "Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul." I knew that Sam was blessed with the gift of charity.
Elder Hales said “Charity is the ability to make life more meaningful for others.” Sam has definitly made life more meaningful for me, and for our whole family.
Elder Hales also said there was a quote his wife liked to say at home, ’Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.’ He went on to say, “there are times when we need to be lifted. There are times when we need to be strengthened. Be that kind of friend and that kind of person who lifts and strengthens others. Never make someone have to choose between your ways and the Lord’s ways. And always make sure that you’re making it easier to live God’s commandments for those who are by your side and who are your friends. Then you will understand whether you have charity.”
I guarantee that Sam will make it easier for all of us to live God’s commandments. He has lifted me and strengthened me. He has made me want to be a better person. Through Sam, I have gained a stronger testimony of the Savior. Because of Sam I appreciate Jake and Allie more and I have more patience with them (for the most part). Our family is stronger because of Sam. We are more focused on the eternal perspective. We all want to be together forever, so we are going to do what it takes to make that happen. I know that Sam will help us get there.
Sam was in my thoughts every hour of every day for those four months. I agonized over each passing day that brought me closer to saying hello and goodbye. I made blankets for him and planned for everything that I had control over. Every day I asked Heavenly Father to give me strength to make it through this trial. I was given strength. I was able to make it to the date I wanted to deliver on, 9/9/09 without the complications I had with my other pregnancies. When we finally got to the 9th of September, I was excited to meet this sweet baby boy that I had loved for so long. He was everything I could have hoped for and more. He had beautiful blond hair. Perfect little hands and feet, and the cutest little round head. I am prideful, I admit. But he really was beautiful. He embodied the pure love of Christ. His little spirit testified of Christ. No one who met him can deny that he had a special spirit about him. We spent two peaceful days in the hospital loving Sam, holding him, and memorizing his face. We even put him in the Pittsburg Steeler’s outfit that the other kids wore as infants and let him watch a little of the football game with Mike. I think he was a fan. We were blessed to have enough time to take him home from the hospital and let him lay on a blanket on the grass in the backyard. That was one of my only desires for him. He bonded with his brother Jake. He endured the many kisses of his sister Allie, and many more from me. He listened as the kids sang their favorite songs to him. He received powerful priesthood blessings from his Dad. He lived, and he knew only love.
It was so hard to let him go back to our Father in Heaven, but I knew that he had fulfilled his purpose on this earth. He got his body. He showed us love and allowed us to love more than we thought possible. Without words he testified of Christ, and he will continue to fulfill a purpose and testify of Christ from his new position in paradise.
So, to wrap things up, at one of our appointments, Mike and I were asked if we were angry at God for allowing this to happen. We both emphatically said “no”. I believe in a loving God. The Lord said that not even a sparrow falls unnoticed by the Father. I know that Sam’s special heart was not a mistake. I know that Sam was placed in our home at this specific time for a specific reason. I can only see things with my mortal eyes, but God knows everything. He has an eternal perspective and He knows that in the end, this experience will be for my good. He knows that in order for me to become the person I need to be, I needed to go through this. How can I blame a loving Father in Heaven for helping me to be a better person?
There is no way to repay the kindness we have felt over the last few months. We have had people watch our kids, feed us, laugh and cry with us. Countless people have told us that they are praying for us and that they have put our names in various temples. I know that we are strengthened by those prayers and all the kind acts of service. Thank you all so much.
These last few days I feel like I have been back in school with all sorts of deadlines, decisions, and stresses. It would have been so easy to just hole up in our house and wallow in grief and sorrow this week. Then I wouldn’t have to be up here talking to you. But it’s not how I wanted things to be. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings about Sam, because he was here. It might have only been a few days on the calendar, but he was here. And I will never be the same.
I have to tell a quick story, about how I began to gain a testimony and I promise I’ll tie it in later. As a young girl at girl’s camp, I sat in a canoe and looked up at the starry sky listening to young women all around the lake singing “How Great Thou Art”. The spirit touched my heart and I felt love. I knew my Heavenly Father loved me. My simple testimony began to build that day. I went through times where I tried to rebel but I always knew in my heart that I was a daughter of my Heavenly Father and he loved me.
On May 6th we went in for a routine ultrasound at the half way point in my pregnancy. We had Jake and Allie with us and we were loving our little glimpse into our baby’s world. Then the ultrasound tech paused and spent an extra long time on the baby’s heart. She wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, but she did know that it was something.
Our hearts were broken. That night I did a bad thing and looked up heart defects on the internet and read about all the awful things that can happen when a heart is developing. I knew that there were many things doctors could do to fix problems, but then I came across Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. It is considered a fatal heart defect where the left side of the heart is underdeveloped and can’t work. I hurried and shut the computer off and cried my eyes out. Mike wondered what had worried me so much and I told him that we would be fine as long as it wasn’t that particular heart defect. We were scheduled to have a detailed ultrasound later that week and I couldn’t quit worrying about it, so I asked Mike to give me a blessing. When he laid his hands on my head, an overwhelming feeling of peace and love came over me. Mike didn’t say the words that I wanted to hear. He didn’t say that this baby would be fine and that he would live. He said that the Lord is in charge and this is all part of a plan. As he spoke those words, I knew it. I knew that it was not a mistake. I wanted Mike to bless this baby to be okay, but deep down, I knew that it wasn’t the plan for us. Up to that point I was praying that when we got a better ultrasound they would find things miraculously better. I was praying that this would all have been a mistake. After that blessing I just prayed that we would be able to handle whatever was in store for us and that I would be able to have continued peace.
At our next ultrasound, the tech said the dreaded words “Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome”. Then she left us in the dark room to wait for the doctor to come and tell us our options.
With a broken heart, I turned to Mike and said “We are going to bury our baby.” We hugged and I began to pray. The overwhelming feeling of peace came back to me and I knew once again that things were in God’s hands. The same spirit that whispered to me as a 12 year old girl on the lake at girl’s camp, reminded me that my Heavenly Father loves me and that He was in charge.
Over the next four months, Mike and I thought non stop about the baby that I carried. We decided to name him Sam, and I was instantly in love with the little baby that kicked and fluttered and moved and was so alive. At our next doctor’s appointment, we learned that although this is considered a fatal defect, there was an option of a series of “palliative surgeries” that can be used as a band aid for a few years. The other option was to take our son home with the heart he was given and love him for as long as he was allowed to stay.
Mike and I prayed more than we have ever prayed before. We cried more than we have ever cried before. We visited the temple, we received priesthood blessings. We continually asked to know the Lord’s will for Sam. Through all of this, I clung to my belief that the Lord was in charge and that this was part of His plan for our family.
Our prayers were answered and we knew that Sam was not meant to live on this earth for long. We knew that he was a special spirit and that we were blessed to be his parents.
Two weeks before Sam was born we met a neat man named Alvin Price and we told him about our Sam and his special heart. He reminded us that every person on this earth has been given a spiritual gift from God. Then he challenged us to fast and pray that we would know what Sam’s gift was and then use it to teach our other children about Sam, and his purpose on this earth.
I took that challenge to heart and prayed that I would know Sam’s spiritual gift. Then I started to read some talks from General Authorities about gifts of the spirit. I think my prayers were answered when I came across a talk by Robert D. Hales. In it, he talked about the gift of charity. "Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul." I knew that Sam was blessed with the gift of charity.
Elder Hales said “Charity is the ability to make life more meaningful for others.” Sam has definitly made life more meaningful for me, and for our whole family.
Elder Hales also said there was a quote his wife liked to say at home, ’Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.’ He went on to say, “there are times when we need to be lifted. There are times when we need to be strengthened. Be that kind of friend and that kind of person who lifts and strengthens others. Never make someone have to choose between your ways and the Lord’s ways. And always make sure that you’re making it easier to live God’s commandments for those who are by your side and who are your friends. Then you will understand whether you have charity.”
I guarantee that Sam will make it easier for all of us to live God’s commandments. He has lifted me and strengthened me. He has made me want to be a better person. Through Sam, I have gained a stronger testimony of the Savior. Because of Sam I appreciate Jake and Allie more and I have more patience with them (for the most part). Our family is stronger because of Sam. We are more focused on the eternal perspective. We all want to be together forever, so we are going to do what it takes to make that happen. I know that Sam will help us get there.
Sam was in my thoughts every hour of every day for those four months. I agonized over each passing day that brought me closer to saying hello and goodbye. I made blankets for him and planned for everything that I had control over. Every day I asked Heavenly Father to give me strength to make it through this trial. I was given strength. I was able to make it to the date I wanted to deliver on, 9/9/09 without the complications I had with my other pregnancies. When we finally got to the 9th of September, I was excited to meet this sweet baby boy that I had loved for so long. He was everything I could have hoped for and more. He had beautiful blond hair. Perfect little hands and feet, and the cutest little round head. I am prideful, I admit. But he really was beautiful. He embodied the pure love of Christ. His little spirit testified of Christ. No one who met him can deny that he had a special spirit about him. We spent two peaceful days in the hospital loving Sam, holding him, and memorizing his face. We even put him in the Pittsburg Steeler’s outfit that the other kids wore as infants and let him watch a little of the football game with Mike. I think he was a fan. We were blessed to have enough time to take him home from the hospital and let him lay on a blanket on the grass in the backyard. That was one of my only desires for him. He bonded with his brother Jake. He endured the many kisses of his sister Allie, and many more from me. He listened as the kids sang their favorite songs to him. He received powerful priesthood blessings from his Dad. He lived, and he knew only love.
It was so hard to let him go back to our Father in Heaven, but I knew that he had fulfilled his purpose on this earth. He got his body. He showed us love and allowed us to love more than we thought possible. Without words he testified of Christ, and he will continue to fulfill a purpose and testify of Christ from his new position in paradise.
So, to wrap things up, at one of our appointments, Mike and I were asked if we were angry at God for allowing this to happen. We both emphatically said “no”. I believe in a loving God. The Lord said that not even a sparrow falls unnoticed by the Father. I know that Sam’s special heart was not a mistake. I know that Sam was placed in our home at this specific time for a specific reason. I can only see things with my mortal eyes, but God knows everything. He has an eternal perspective and He knows that in the end, this experience will be for my good. He knows that in order for me to become the person I need to be, I needed to go through this. How can I blame a loving Father in Heaven for helping me to be a better person?
Does that mean that I don’t have more sorrow than I feel like I can bear? No. I cry, and I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for Jake and Allie when I think of how great they would have been as an older brother and sister. I feel sorry for Mike when I remember how he lovingly held Sam in his arms. I feel sorry for all of you who didn’t have a chance to meet Sam in person.
But then I remember that my Heavenly Father loves me. I remember that I have a Savior who died that we might live again. I remember that They can heal my aching heart. I have already become a better person. Sam has made me a better person. I know he has influenced the lives of many. That’s why I hope that you will write something on that paper we put in the programs. When you drop a pebble in smooth water the ripples go on and on. I want the ripples of Sam’s pebble to go on and on. I want his life to be felt. I want him to be known. So I’m going to talk about him. I am going to talk about how his gift of charity has made me want to be a better person. I am going to talk about how Sam has made me grow closer to Christ. I will never forget my sweet boy. I hope you won’t either.
I am so thankful for my Savior. I am so thankful for a loving Father in Heaven. I am thankful for Mike. I am thankful that our paths crossed and that we were able to be married in the temple. I had no idea 8 years ago how much I would come to love and rely on him. He is an amazing Dad and I know that Sam loved him just as Allie and Jake do. I know that families can be together forever. I look forward to seeing Sam again some day and I hope that I can show him that he made a difference in my life. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
But then I remember that my Heavenly Father loves me. I remember that I have a Savior who died that we might live again. I remember that They can heal my aching heart. I have already become a better person. Sam has made me a better person. I know he has influenced the lives of many. That’s why I hope that you will write something on that paper we put in the programs. When you drop a pebble in smooth water the ripples go on and on. I want the ripples of Sam’s pebble to go on and on. I want his life to be felt. I want him to be known. So I’m going to talk about him. I am going to talk about how his gift of charity has made me want to be a better person. I am going to talk about how Sam has made me grow closer to Christ. I will never forget my sweet boy. I hope you won’t either.
I am so thankful for my Savior. I am so thankful for a loving Father in Heaven. I am thankful for Mike. I am thankful that our paths crossed and that we were able to be married in the temple. I had no idea 8 years ago how much I would come to love and rely on him. He is an amazing Dad and I know that Sam loved him just as Allie and Jake do. I know that families can be together forever. I look forward to seeing Sam again some day and I hope that I can show him that he made a difference in my life. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
9 comments:
Crap, now I can't stop crying and I am supposed to be going to the R.S. Broadcast. You have such an amazing spirit with you Sue, and I could feel of Sam's special spirit and your everlasting love for him as I read your talk. It was absolutely beautiful. We haven't stopped praying for you guys. Love to you.
Becky
Thank you so much for your testimony Sue. Sam has definitely strengthened our testimonies as well, and we so wish we could have met him. But we're grateful that you're helping us to feel Sam's special spirit through your blog. We love you guys!
Thank you for reminding me of that special talk. It seems like so much longer than two weeks ago, but that is right. i love you sue. Thanks for your example of faith to me and my family.
Thanks for sharing your talk. I was so sad that I couldn't be there. You are a great example to me... always have been. We all love you so much!!
So, so, so well thought out and well written. You are quite the talent! I am glad the memorial went well. Every time I look at those pictures of Sam I imagine your dad is probably holding him in heaven. What a comfort it is to know that we will all be together for eternity. Hang in there! :)
Hi Sue,
I'm so sad to read about Sam's passing. Yall will be in my prayers.
-Bethany (Emma Kate's mama).
Thank you Sue for sharing your talk with me. I wanted so much to go to the Memorial. Sam has brought me closer to the Saviour as well. I have prayed more, fasted harder, and loved more. I can hardly wait to meet him in heaven. I'll probably beat you there, so I'll give him a kiss and a love from you!
You need to know that we all felt the most wonderful warm peaceful spirit as we read your talk and felt your precious testimony. Sam has helped us all feel and realize the Saviors love for us more than ever. We feel closer to Him as we hear of the strength you have chosen to receive during this hard time.Thanks for sharing. Sure love you guys!
Thank you for your wonderful testimony and sharing of your family and especially Sam. He is absolutely beautiful. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Diana is a friend of mine and was a strength to me when our son passed away. Your talk was perfect, just like Sam. Hold tight and remember to breathe. If I can do anything for you, please ask.
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