Some Sam thoughts

I still think of Sam all the time.  Just so you know. 
My heart has healed a lot in the last year.  I know that Nate has almost everything to do with that.  He isn't a replacement for Sam.  He is a baby to hold, but I needed Nate for reasons entirely different than to fill the arms that were so empty.  I needed Nate to remind me that God is good.  I have always know that God is good, but I was starting to give in to the anxiety that something bad was waiting to happen to my little family any minute. 
Looking back, I know that it is all part of grief.  When my dad died suddenly when I was 26, I started to have anxiety about the safety of everyone I loved.  If Mike was snowmobiling, I was watching the clock and if it grew dark, I was planning how I would tell my mom that Mike was dead.  I could get so worked up that I was actually surprised to see him walk through the door healthy and happy.  I think the shock of my dad's death reminded me that we are not in charge.  No matter how many prayers I say for our health and safety, we still have physical bodies and at some point in time, we will all die.
When I was pregnant with Sam, I started to read all the other "heart baby" blogs.  I watched as some triumphed over their battles and came home to enjoy time with family.  I watched as some babies grew weaker and finally had to return to heaven after fighting so hard to live.  I became surrounded by this world that I didn't even know existed before my 20 week scan with Sam.  I didn't know that so many children were born with heart defects.  Once again, I realized that I was not in control over some of the things that happen here on this earth.
I read about babies with all sorts of birth defects and it got to where I would have anxiety over anyone who was going in for a 20 week ultrasound.  I was just sure that there would be something wrong.  It would make me mad when people said they were going in to find out if they were having a boy or a girl.  I thought they were so naive to go in without worry. 
Instead of relying on faith, I started to let the fear control my mind.  I worried that Jake and Allie would get some strange disease, or get hit by a car, or have some other awful thing happen. 
When I did get pregnant with the baby that would be Nate, I was so overcome with fear that I couldn't tell people I was pregnant.  I couldn't even talk about it with Mike.  I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn't help it.
Having Nate here and healthy was good, but I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Nate was 6 months old when things changed.
I had a friend whose 5 year old boy developed cardiomyopathy and was waiting on the heart transplant list.  He was healthy one day and being supported by machines the next.  The anxiety grew and I found new things to worry about.  Then one day, amidst all of this, I looked over at Nate playing with his toys.  He looked back at me with a sweet smile on his face and it hit me that I was still letting fear govern my thoughts.  God is good.  There is no reason for me to live with that fear.  Yes, I do realize that bad things happen to good people.  Bad things happen all of the time and we don't always have control over it.  That doesn't mean that I can't appreciate all the good things that happen too.  I was grateful for the good, but I wasn't as free as I could be.  I was letting fear dominate my faith.  So I let it go.  I don't know how to describe it, but I do know that I let it go and I am free.  All those worries that I had floating around in my head almost seem irrational now.
It's always amazing to me how much we learn in this life that we live.  We have experiences that shape and change us every day.  I have said over and over that I wouldn't trade those few days with Sam for anything.  Just having him here for the time we had has changed me forever.  Those changes are still at work in me, and I hope that I will always be receptive to learning, growing, and changing.
I have had these thoughts floating around in my head for a while and I decided that it was time to write about it...so there you have it.