15 Years

15 years ago, my dad went to live in heaven.  I miss him.  Saying that I miss him seems hollow.  He was such a big part of my life and I long for him sometimes.  

My mom wrote an email and sent it to all of us last night.  She told us to do something to remember my dad today.  Her words were perfect...

"What can we do tomorrow to remember him?  Charge a hamburger on your American Express card, pound a nail, load down a key ring and hang it on your belt, listen to old time country music and yodel in the car.  Catch yourself saying something Robert would have said.  Brag about your children to strangers.  Do a service for someone."  

I find myself doing and saying things that my dad would have said and done, all the time.  I love that even though he is gone, he has left parts of him with me and I leave those parts with my kids.  We all live on through each other.  

As I read my journals, I found countless times when my dad counseled me.  I wrote of my love for him and my mom.  I'm so glad for those words.  I had 25 years with a great dad.  He's still helping me, even if it's not how I would have liked.    

My mom took this picture as we walked to a parade.  I love that there is a picture of me holding my dad's hand.  I know I did if way longer than was socially acceptable to my peers :).  I'm either 12 or 13 here.  

So, I think I'll do all sorts of things that my dad would have done today.  When I go to my kid's piano recital, I'll probably cry because I'll be bursting with pride at how beautiful and handsome they are.  I'll tell them that they are as "purdy as a picture" and I'll embarrass them as I walk out of the recital bragging about them to any stranger we meet.  I'll strike up a conversation with the cashier at Lee's and if they ask me if I found everything all right, I'll say "well, I didn't find everything, but I did find this" (and list all the things I am buying).  If someone asks how I am doing, I might list all my ailments and then ramble on and on.
I hope I can brighten someone's day.  I hope I can make people feel at ease.  I hope I can serve someone, and I hope I can make my dad proud.  It won't be hard because he was proud of me no matter what I did.
My dad made us sing "As I Have Loved You" at each of our family home evenings.  Every single time.  We would all groan and reluctantly sing because no one ever came up with another song to sing.  Over the years, it became a joke, and it was just a given that it was his song.  For so many years, I couldn't sing the song without tears, but it has become easier over time.  I remember years ago, listening to the words and thinking that it is a perfect song for my dad to leave us.  My dad had more love for his family than he could even contain in his body.  His eyes "leaked" and he found himself getting so emotional when he tried to express his love for us.  If I imagine hearing my dad singing the song and telling us to love each other as he has loved us, that's a whole lot of love. 
My dad was and still is such a good man.  He's larger than life and it's so sad that he had to leave this life and go somewhere that I can't see him and hug him and bask in his praise. That part of his life is over.  The part that he left, the memory of his love, is still there and so strong.  I'm so glad that I have that to share.