Motherhood

It's Mother's Day.  I know it's a rough day for a lot of people and I know I've been quite sad some years on Mother's Day.  There were years that I longed for children.  If I could have seen into the future, I'd have seen how eventually that would all work out and maybe I'd have been more grateful about the years without them.  :)

I've missed Sam on Mother's Day. 

I've also been completely content on Mother's Day.  It's crazy how different I can feel from year to year.  I guess I just put so much into that one day.  If the kids are fighting or there's chaos, I feel like it's just proof of my ineptitude as a mother.  

The part that has never changed from year to year is the way I feel about my mom.  She is amazing and has helped guide me through this life that I have lived for the last 42 years.  It doesn't matter how much time passes, I still need my mom.  I'm so thankful for her and I know I got one of the best ones out there.  That's pretty cool.

    

 Today, I got to sleep in and when I woke up, Mike asked what he could do to make it a good day for me.  I told him I wanted no fighting amongst the kids, and that I wanted to be able to write on the blog.  Things started out great.  The boys made a bacon and egg breakfast complete with toast and orange juice.  Unfortunately, I forgot to take pictures.

Allie cleaned it all up.

They wrote me nice letters and gave me time to write.  As I was writing, I heard a crash from the front room... 

  It might not look like much to you, but it's kind of a big crash.  I've been making my own sourdough/natural yeast starter.  This one was over a month old and I've been tending to it carefully every day.  It was finally ready to bake with.  It was also in my vintage Ball jar that was from my friend's mom.  It had a fun shape with an ultra wide mouth. 
So, when Jake was getting gum out of the cupboard, it got knocked off the counter and broke. 
I could hear the smash, and I had a choice when I came out of the bedroom.  I could fly off the handle and yell and scream and make Jake feel really bad for an accident.  Or, I could try to play it cool.  I didn't yell and scream, but I couldn't hide that I was sad and Jake knew it.  He knew how long I'd been working on that starter.  He had heard me as I watched the videos learning how to create the starter and it was something we had talked about (now that he's a baker, he was interested).  I didn't really want him to clean it up because I didn't want him to get cut, so he felt really bad that I was cleaning  up his mess on Mother's Day.  I was feeling bad that I hadn't hidden my sadness better.  It was just an all around mess. 
As I'm looking at that picture, it's like a perfect example of how I feel about being a mother sometimes.  I feel like I am a mess, like the ruined sourdough starter, my potential is smashed to pieces.  I react badly to literal and figurative messes.  But, I know where that voice comes from.  It comes from the adversary.  He wants me to feel discouraged and to feel like I am not doing well enough.  That I'm not succeeding in my role as a mother.  It's just not true.  My Heavenly Parents are cheering me on.  Angels are cheering me on.  My family here on earth is cheering me on.
My kids, my life...it's not perfect.  But it is still pretty great.  Just because there are messes here and there, doesn't mean that I am not an overall success.  I know I'm doing a whole lot of things right because these cute faces love me and forgive me every day.  We all forgive each other and we learn along the way.  That's what this life is all about and I'm so grateful that I can share it with these guys. 
I'm so glad that I am a mom.